Who could have wished for more?!!

Here is a story from "A New Earth" that I want to share.  I'm typing it directly from the book, so the "I" refers to the author (Eckhart Tolle).

In the late seventies, I would have lunch every day with one or two friends in the cafeteria of the graduate center at Cambridge University, where I was studying.  A man in a wheelchair would sometimes sit at a nearby table, usually accompanied by three or four people.  One day, when he was sitting at a table directly opposite me, I could not help but look at him more closely, and I was shocked by what I saw.  He seemed almost totally paralyzed.  His body was emaciated, his head permanently slumped forward.  One of the people accompanying him was carefully putting food in his mouth, a great deal of which would fall out again and be caught on a small plate another man was holding under his chin.  Occasionally the wheelchair-bound man would produce unintelligible croaking sounds, and someone would hold an ear close to his mouth and then amazingly would interpret what he was trying to say.

Later I asked my friend whether he knew who he was, "Of course," he said, "he is a professor of mathematics, and the people with him are his graduate students.  He has motor neuron disease that progressively paralyzes every part of his body.  He has been given five years at the most.  It must be the most dreadful fate that can befall a human being."

A few weeks later, as I was leaving the building, he was coming in, and when I held the door open for his electric wheelchair to come through, our eyes met.  With surprise I saw that his eyes were clear.  There was no trace in them of unhappiness.  I knew immediately he had relinquished resistance; he was living in surrender.

A number of years later when buying a newspaper at a kiosk, I was amazed to see him on the front page of a popular international news magazine.  Not only was he still alive, but he had by then become the world's most famous theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking.  There was a beautiful line in the article that confirmed what I had sensed when I looked into his eyes many years earlier.  Commenting upon his life, he said (now with the help of the voice synthesizer), "Who could have wished for more?"

It is easy to be happy when things are going well.  But I hope that even on the tough days, I can find peace in my heart and say... who could have wished for more?!? 

It's all becoming foggy...

One of the things that has driven me along this journey is the constant belief that I have all of the answers inside me.  That there is an "inner Kim" who is supremely wise.  And if I listen to her quiet whisperings, I will find my true calling.


My analytical brain used to believe this "inner Kim" held a map and if I could just find a flashlight, I would be able to see the plan for my future.  Honestly, that's what I thought meditation was going to do - shine a flashlight on a detailed map of my future.  Holy smokes, was I wrong!?!  


My "inner Kim" does have a map - but it isn't legible to my eyes.  And right now, all she is telling me is that I'm in the right place.  She is asking me to trust her.  And she is reminding me to enjoy the moment.  


As you can imagine, the "type A" side of my personality is a little uncomfortable with that.  Wouldn't it be better to have a plan?  Shouldn't I be doing more?!?  If I just knew exactly where I was going, I would be able to be more prepared when I get there!


 Here is a quote from Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth":

The mind is more comfortable in a landscaped park because it has been planned through thought; it is not grown organically.  There is an order here that the mind can understand.  In the forest, there is an incomprehensible order that to the mind looks like chaos.  It is beyond the mental categories of good and bad.  You cannot understand it through thought, but you can sense it when you let go of thought, become still and alert, and don't try to understand or explain.  Only then can you be aware of the sacredness of the forest.  As soon as you sense that hidden harmony, that sacredness, you realize you are not separate from it, and when you realize that, you become a conscious participant in it.

I've been fighting this lesson.  I thought all I needed to do was let go of my fear.  But I also need to let go of my desire to control every step along the way.  I need to recognize the sacredness of this journey, instead of worrying about the chaos.  Just because I can't see the future doesn't mean that I'm not on the right path.  


Life isn't a manicured garden.  It is a wild forest... which sounds like a much more exciting place to be.  

A fitting follow-up

I love the blog, "The Daily Love"!  Mastin's words always kick-start my day off right.  And today's post was a great follow-up to my ramblings from yesterday...


http://thedailylove.com/allow-yourself-to-open-up-be-brand-new-today/

Here's the juiciest bit...

When we meet the journey of life with a new mind, in every moment we begin to step into it’s magic. (...)  Let us make it our intention to set out on the journey of life today with the new mind of a child. Not throwing away what we’ve learned, but learning to reinterpret what we’ve been through so that it serves us moving forward, rather than holding us back. Let us meet the journey from a curious, humble, yet empowered point of view that turns disaster into grace, rejection into protection and crisis into opportunity.

:-)  I hope that inspires you too!
  

Roller coasters...

Hello all!!  Happy Friday!

This is my first week of my new part-time schedule!  So this afternoon, I've been at Starbucks - doing a little research into some opportunities, reading a little, and enjoying the buzz of the coffeehouse.  

I was reflecting on how everything turned out... and I started thinking about roller coasters.  If I were to describe my journey to this place, I would say it was a roller coaster.  It had its ups, some of the downs made me feel like I was losing my stomach, the hairpin turns were unexpected, and it was pretty darn scary.

But, I love roller coasters.  I'm the one who rides with her hands up, screaming with glee the whole time!    What happened here?!?

Looking back, I white-knuckled this journey.  I didn't enjoy it fully - I got so caught up in fear and worry.  Of course, that is understandable.  I'm not beating myself up here.  I was making a pretty big change - so I needed a little bit of fear and worry to make sure I wasn't flying off the handle.  But maybe I could have relaxed a little bit more.

Just recently, I had some news that frustrated me - a new struggle that I needed to tackle.  My first reaction was the white-knuckle approach...  But I was talking about it with my trainer and she had great wisdom.  She told me she looks forward to those types of "struggles" - she welcomes them and sees them as opportunities to grow and learn.

WOW!  What a great perspective!  What would happen if I started to approach my life with that perspective?  I tell myself that I'm happy with my life because I know that it is exactly as it should be.  But do I really LIVE that truth?  

Maybe every once in a while, I can let go of the handlebars on this ride we call life.  The fear and worry can be like the safety belt on the ride.  If I know that, maybe I can RELAX into it and enjoy the ups and downs with a smile!  :-)

I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!!

50% effort, 50% surrender

In yoga last tonight, during a pose that was pushing my hamstrings to their edge, the instructor said "Remember, it's 50% effort and 50% surrender."  My first thought was "phew, I can back off from 100% effort!!"  And then it struck me, 50% surrender?!?  How does that fit??

In the past, it was very easy for me to slip into an "all-or-nothing" outlook on life.  If I can't do it perfectly, I might as well not do it all.  For a long time, I ignored this trait in myself.  I would glibly say... "but that's what makes me great at my job".  I couldn't visualize a different way of being, so I would swing between 0% or 100% in everything.  Friendships, work, recovery, etc.

But my desire to make a life change has made me find a new way to operate.  For months, I obsessed about finding a new job.  I spent hundreds of dollars on a life coach.  I tried to manage the fear.  I tried to control the outcome.  But in the end, it was my surrender that opened the path forward.

But even after the surrender, even after the next step on my path has come into focus... there is still a little inner voice that keeps saying, you need to be DOING something.  You can't just sit there.

Well, that voice is using the old "all-or-nothing" way of viewing things.  Since I'm not spenidng 100% of my effort on finding my new, aboslutely perfect path, I must be doing absolutely nothing.  But that is WRONG. 

50% effort...  It isn't about obsessively planning.  But it also isn't about waiting for the perfect opportunity to just fall into my lap.  It's about doing the work that needs to be done.  I am learning to listen to and trust my inner guidance.  I am putting myself in new situations.  I moving towards consciousness and away from my ego-driven, never-ending, obsessive thoughts.  I'm surrounding myself with fellow lovers of life.

50% surrender...  This is new territory for me.  So I work daily to surrender the thoughts of fear and criticism.  I'm diving deep, keeping myself open for more possibilities... and I'm expecting the world!!

And last night in the class, I surrendered into the deep stretch.  I let go of the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders... and found that I could go a little deeper.  Amazing!  When I backed off, I found that I had a little more stretch to give!  A good lesson...

It Is I Who Must Begin

A poem for today...

It Is I Who Must Begin

It is I who must begin.
Once I begin, once I try --
here and now,
right where I am,
not excusing myself
by saying things
would be easier elsewhere,
without grand speeches and
ostentatious gestures,
but all the more persistently
-- to live in harmony
with the "voice of Being," as I
understand it within myself
-- as soon as I begin that,
I suddenly discover,
to my surprise, that
I am neither the only one,
nor the first,
nor the most important one
to have set out
upon that road.

Whether all is really lost
or not depends entirely on
whether or not I am lost.

~ Vaclav Havel ~

A quote

I just read this quote and it made me smile.  I thought it was appropriate...

“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn’t conspire against you, but it doesn’t go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it’s important to you and you want to do it “eventually,” just do it and correct course along the way.” ~Tim Ferriss, from The 4-Hour Workweek

Welcoming chaos

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."  - Friedrich Nietzsche

I friend sent me a card with that quote recently.  And while I understood it, I didn't really GET it at first.  However, the universe is slowly teaching me.  :-)

It's coming on 4 weeks since I "quit" and I still have no clue how things are going to shake out.

:-)  A little bit of chaos here.
I am ready to get started in a new part-time role with my company.  But now that I decided to stay, I dropped lower on their priority list and everything is in a strange limbo.  I know I'm going to work part-time, but I don't know how many hours that means.  I know it's going to be a different role, but no one is clear on what it will entail.  And I don't feel any real urgency to get answers to any of those questions.

:-)  A little bit of chaos there.
I am ready to get started on the volunteer project outside of work, but it isn't as definite as I thought.  The person who sold me on it isn't the person in charge, so when I said "I'm ready", her reaction wasn't "let's get started!!!"  It was more, "oh, um, I'll have to talk to so-and-so first and see if there is anyone else working on it".

:-)  A little bit of chaos everywhere.
You'll get a laugh out of my emotions.  You know how last week I was scared of losing my security if the part-time job didn't pan out.  Well, after it became evident that the part-time job was going to come through, I got upset about losing the potential freedom.  My emotions can't seem to make up their mind! 

But there is one thing that has been constant.  The inner knowledge that I'm doing the right thing.  I heard the voice say "make a change".  And after much worry and planning and more worry and a lot of fear, I trusted the voice and made the first step.  Now comes the chaos.  :-)

So why the smiles?  Chaos isn't fun, is it??  Here is a quote from Mastin Kipp and his blog, "The Daily Love":

See the opportunity instead of the fear; decide that you have the power to not only make the best of this situation, but to actually make a better life for yourself BECAUSE of this situation.  For your dreams to come true it's vital that you learn to be flexible enough to adapt to and make the best of change. In fact, don't just make the best of change and the unexpected, get EXCITED by it!

And when I look in my heart, that is how I feel, EXCITED!  Of course, my brain wants to react to the chaos.  That's normal.  But I want to keep my focus in my heart.  Because my heart knows what's best, it's where my dreams live.  And I have no doubt I'm heading to fertile soil... to make my dreams grow and come to life!

What I'm learning...

On this journey of learning to meditate, I'm re-learning many gems that apply to my non-meditating hours as well.  It never hurts to be re-reminded of these things...


#1.  Meditation isn't all "lofty, top of the mountain, pink lollipop, life is bliss".
But then again, neither is life.  Some days, life feels like you're flying higher than a kite.  And some days, life feels like you're an old banana peel rotting at the bottom of a trash can.  But as long as we expect the events of our day to fulfill us, we will be sadly disappointed.  Each day is worth celebrating.  Each day brings a new lesson.  Each day is exactly as it should be, so be grateful (and maybe even be HAPPY)!


#2.  Resisting my inner critic only makes him stronger when I meditate.  As I learn to be indifferent to him, he will lose his power over me.
This is a hard one.  Because of some circumstances in my life, I've come to let my inner critic rule me.  And over the last year, I've worked to slowly release the hold he has on me.  I'm working to establish a new way of viewing myself and the world.  This transition isn't easy, but the results are SO worth it.  There are some times when that inner critic is needed - like red flags warning me that danger is ahead.  I am very grateful for him at those times.  But, there are many times that his incessant talking keeps me from hearing that quiet, inner voice that speaks the truth.  And yelling at him to tell him to SHUT UP just aggravates the issue.  The key is indifference - which can act as a magic dimmer switch to slowly turn his volume down.


#3.  The critical, anxious, fearful voice that prowls through my meditation is not my true nature.  It's just garbage that is being cleared out.  And what is just beneath is the real me - perfect, whole and complete.
Once those critical thoughts are gone, my true nature begins to shine through.  This resonates deeply in my soul.  It's like my insides are saying, "yeah, that's right".  They are so excited that the gunk is being cleared - because they know the greatness that is to come.  This is the feeling that I want to take with me through the day.  Not the one that doubts, criticizes, and fears.  The one that has confidence, hope, and joy!  :-)


A very sincere thank you to my meditation teacher for reminding me of these truths.

The ideal dad

I recently learned to meditate.  And actually, it's been very challenging for me.  Sitting quietly for 20 minutes, twice a day isn't something my type-A, control freak, critical brain wants to do.  My brain likes being in control.  It doesn't want to quiet down.  It doesn't want to allow me to sink into that deeper knowing, that inner peace inside me.


And this week, my meditation unearthed some deep feelings.  When thoughts arise during my meditation, I'm supposed to gently return to my mantra.  Easy, right???  WRONG!  My brain wants to engage in the thoughts, look at them from every angle, under all different types of light.  That is pretty typical during meditation - when thoughts pop up, it means its working.  But for me, it stirs up something more...


That inner critical voice that gives a running play by play during my meditation sounds a lot like my dad.  And by just gently returning to my mantra, I feel like I'm letting my dad's voice "win".  The prospect of letting this inner critic reign free during my meditation really upsets me.  I don't like accepting this part of my nature.  It is the part that has driven me to many of my vices - overwork, bulimia, drunken binges, driving for perfection.


So instead, I try to fight it.  I try to change it for the positive.  This is more thinking - which isn't the point of meditation.  I won't find inner bliss by spending 40 minutes each day fighting my inner critic.  


But then I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  Letting that negative dad voice speak brings me to a negative place.  But fighting that voice stirs up a different set of issues.  Apparently, I need a bit of reprogramming!  :-)


After sharing this with my therapist, she pointed out that I have NO idea what an "ideal dad" looks like.  She challenged me to spend some time imagining that ideal dad.  Not because I need to fuel my anger at my dad.  But because I need to start learning to be an "ideal parent" to myself.  I need to learn to diffuse the anger at my past by breaking the hold it has on me.  And then maybe, it won't cause so much inner angst to gently, quietly, innocently return to my mantra!


Here are some of my thoughts about what that ideal dad would look like...

He'd come home from work and scoop me up in his arms. He would say, "I missed you SO much today.  I love you and I can't wait to hear about your day."

When he'd help with math homework, he'd say "Wow, you're so smart" when I got a problem right.  (Maybe he'd tousle my hair too)  If I was stumped, he would say "That's a tough one, let's see if we can work it through together".

If I lost a softball game, he'd come up and give me a big ol' hug and say "You played your best and I'm SO proud of you".

If I got scared, he would take me in his arms and hold me tight and whisper softly, "shhhh, you're safe, I've got you".

I would LOVE to hear your examples of an ideal dad.  I know mine are a bit "Leave it to Beaver".  But I want to start filling my bank with positive examples of how to treat myself during difficult situations.

No news is good news???

Hi there everyone.  I have been at a loss about what to say over the last few weeks.  But I need to start somewhere, so here I go...  


I had a whirlwind week when I quit.  I was in shock.  Then scared.  And then ecstatic.  But by the end of the week, two things had lined up.  The first was a potential volunteer project with one of my favorite charities.  But the second was that my company made me an offer to create my own role!!!  


After thinking about it for a few days and sleeping on it for a few nights, I came back with what I wanted...  Part-time, work-life balance (not expecting me to go above and beyond my 30 hours/week on a regular basis and limiting my travel), a shift in the projects that I worked on, and help to find a mentor within the company.  I was very excited - I was going to get the opportunity to start a few projects outside of work, but I still was going to have benefits and (partial) monetary support from my job.  


At the time, I knew in my heart that it was the right decision.  I knew it would be a struggle, but I felt very confident about the opportunity.  


And now a week has gone by and I've had no word from management.  They never got back to me last week.  And this week, they are all out of town and out of contact.  And work has been it's normal self - crazy, chaotic, and toxic.  


So, now I'm starting to doubt the decision.  I don't need an answer right away.  I know that Corporate America doesn't move quickly.  But I at least would like to know they are making progress.  I want to make sure they realize this wasn't an idle threat - I WILL NOT stay in my current role as it exists today.  Yes, I know it takes time to transition and create something new.  I want to keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel - and their silence makes me feel like I've been cast into darkness.


And I am angry.  They gave me back the ONE thing that was hardest for me to give up by quitting - SECURITY.  I got lulled back into a false sense of security.  And if it doesn't work out, I know I'm going to have to feel the strain of subduing my biggest fear again.


So there you go.  Lots of emotions.  Lots of frustration.  But the light is at the end of the tunnel.  It might be the light of unemployed.  Or it might be the light of a new way to work in Corporate America, the light of standing up for what I want - even if it is against tradition.  My fear is pulling for one light over the other.  My heart is pulling for the light that leads me to my true path.  I'll keep you posted!

A poem for the day

“The Guest House” by Rumi
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

A few quotes

Hey there kiddos!  Well, things are slowly sinking in.  It will probably be a few days before I'm out of the middle of the emotions and can write about the last few days with some semblance of coherence.  :-)  Until then, I thought I would share a few quotes from friends after hearing the news...

Just reading Lost and Found and thought you'd appreciate this quote right about now on telling the TRUTH about our situations (in a light way despite its contents!): p. 183, Geneen Roth says Buddhist teacher Stephen Levine once said, "the only people he knows who have their shit together are standing in it at the same time." Humbling and relieving, huh?

Here's another one...

Did it ever occur to you that the Universe was showing you the opposite... that the squirrel got killed because he let FEAR take over?

And finally, this blog landed in my email this afternoon:

Honesty can feel uncomfortable in the short-term. I’ve often struggled with being fully myself, asking for what I need, and saying no when people ask for things I don’t want to give. But everything good in my life has come from the decision to honor my own truth.
We all have countless opportunities to do this from one day to the next. Today when you have a choice to be true to yourself or please someone else, ask yourself: Would you rather be honest and temporarily uncomfortable, or slowly convince yourself that what you want, need, and believe doesn’t matter?

Dead squirrels

Hi there folks.  Well, I DID IT!!!!!  :-)  I'm not sure what I expected to feel.  But, I thought you would get a kick out of my first reaction!


At first, I was in shock.  I couldn't believe I actually did it.  Then I cried.  Then I was happy.  All of that happened during the first hour after the words, "I quit", left my mouth.  


But then I was scared.  Shitless.  Yes, my old friend FEAR came running back in and set up camp in the middle of my mind.  I knew he would come.  But I wasn't 100% prepared for the tools he decided to use...  


First, he started by trying to shock me. "What if you're in a serious accident that leaves you paralyzed, what will you do without long term disability insurance?  You'll have to go live with your parents.  And that would be hundreds of times worse than working in Corporate America." 


Then fear decided to get personal.  He started telling me that I wasn't going to be successful outside of Corporate America.  He told me that I would be back working for "the man" within 6 months.


But, he pulled out all stops with this last one.  I had gone to the park and as I was walking along, I noticed this poor little squirrel.  He kept trying to run up a fence.  He would make it about halfway up and then he would fall off, then he'd turn around and try to run right back up the fence, just to fall off again.  I saw him attempt the fence 4-5 times as I approached.  There was another man who was coming from the other direction and we passed each other at the exact location where the squirrel was trying to climb the fence.  


Unfortunately, the poor little squirrel got scared and BOLTED.  
Right into the middle of the street.  
Right under the wheel of an oncoming car.  
SPLAT!


And immediately fear said, "Kim, that's you.  You just freaked out.  You shouldn't have quit because you'll be squished like that poor dumb squirrel."  


I almost lost it.  I started crying.  It really got to me.  


But then I realized, I am not like that poor squirrel.  I am not making a mad dash into danger.  I am making a really smart move.  It might not be a move that makes sense to everyone out there.  But it is the right move for me.


And then I laughed.  How could I let myself get so worked up that I thought the universe was giving me a sign by killing a poor little squirrel before my eyes.


I guess it's official folks, I'm definitely crazy!  But freedom is mine!!!!!!!!!

Soon, very soon

I received this card in the mail today.  It was pretty perfect timing!  :-)

A happy reminder

I found a new artist on Etsy to love.  Her name is Stephanie Ryan.  When this beautiful creation arrived in the mail, it brought me so much happiness and joy.  I love finding items that just give me warm fuzzies every time that I look at them!

Choosing happiness

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

In the past, I would have characterized myself as a "glass half-empty" type of person.  But this year, I started seeing things through a different lens.  It has been so refreshing to look at the glass and think "half-full".  However, it takes time for new habits to become completely integrated into day-to-day thinking.

Over the past few weeks, I went back to the old way of thinking.  I have been so unhappy and feeling completely stuck.  I kept thinking to myself...  

I'd be happy if... I could find a part time job. 

I'd be happy if... I found a roommate.

I'd be happy if... I didn't have to go on this business trip.

I'd be happy if... I could lose a few pounds (yes, I know that has nothing to do with things - but when I'm unhappy, the first thing I attack is my weight!). 

But putting conditions around my happiness left me disappointed and frustrated.  Seeing the glass as half-empty only left me wanting more.

So I am giving myself a gentle reminder.  I can choose to be happy with where I am today, right at this moment.  Happiness isn't something I'll achieve in the future if I can just accomplish X, Y, and Z.  I can find peace and joy in knowing that life is RIGHT NOW.

If I turn off the negativity and look at what I DO have, I realize that...

... I'm happy that I get to spend a few more weeks with my friends at work.

... I'm happy that I have time to learn and practice a new meditation technique before I leap into the unknown.

... I am happy that I'm strong enough to realize that my job is toxic and walk away from it.

... I'm happy that I have great friends who'll be by my side on this journey.

... I am happy that I have this blog as a place to share and explore my feelings.

'A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.' - Herm Albright 

The power of yoga

While yoga has been a part of my life for many years, I only recently began to grasp it's true power.  It is difficult to describe how I feel after a yoga class.  It isn't the same feeling that I get after a spin class or after getting my butt whipped from a boot camp.  I feel deep peace and contentment.  I feel happy in my head, happy in my body, happy in my heart.  This is going to sound strange, but I feel like I have this protective calm that wraps around me and protects me from the un-necessities of life.

So, here is a short history lesson...  There is evidence of yoga as early as 3000 B.C.  The word Yoga comes from the Sanskrit word "Yuj" meaning to yoke, join or unite. This implies joining or integrating all aspects of the individual - body with mind and mind with soul - to achieve a happy, balanced and useful life, and spiritually, uniting the individual with the supreme.

But, what is yoga actually doing to make me feel the way I do?  With any physical activity, respiration and circulation in body are increased.  This effects the lymphatic system and helps draw out toxins. So on physiological level, the physical activity of yoga detoxes the body.  When you couple this with deep and rhythmic breathing, it has an influence on the parasympathetic nervous system.  It helps to align the mind and the body so that you stay calm and focused.  So it's physically stimulating but mentally grounding.  That is why I walk out of a yoga class feeling alive but centered.

Of course, it didn't happen over night.  When I first started going to my yoga studio, my inner perfectionist and my inner critic joined me.  They compared me to the more advanced students.  Or they looked for praise when they felt I was "doing a good job".  But, that isn't what yoga is about.  It is not a race or a competition.  It is not about struggle...  instead, it's about surrender.  It's about embracing where your body is today.  That was a hard and slow lesson to learn, but the calm and silence that now accompany my yoga practice are completely worth it.

If you haven't tried yoga, I highly recommend it.  And beware, it's addictive.  I never thought I'd say this - but give me yoga any day instead of a slice of chocolate cake, a glass of red wine, or a new pair of designer shoes!

Earthquakes

I've come up with a little analogy...  I'm like house that was built on a fault line in California.  The house has a beautiful view and lots of room, but it wasn't built to withstand the "earthquakes" that come from my job.  For many years, I kept telling myself that I just needed to build a stronger house.  But Albert Einstein said, 

"Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."  

After braving too many earthquakes and letting my inner critic run free (making me feel bad for not being able to climb a tree), I decided it was time to MOVE house!  It was so freeing to realize that I didn't need to change myself to fit this job, instead I needed to find the perfect job to fit me!  As a fish, I'm much more suited to SWIM than to climb trees!!  :-)

I had so much confidence in my path, that I forgot to plan for the possibility that an earthquake would hit before I could move out of the house!  And guess what, this week has turned into a MAJOR earthquake at work.  And I am sad and frustrated.

One of the difficult lessons to learn in life is to just let yourself be sad or frustrated.  No one likes to feel sad.  We feel uncomfortable encouraging the anger that accompanies frustration.  We think life should always be smiles and happiness.

When I feel sad or frustrated, my first reaction is to try and fix it.  And sometimes, there is a solution.  But in this situation, there is nothing to fix.  I am not ready to quit, so I need to stay put.  This answer doesn't make me "feel better"...

So my second reaction is to beat myself up for getting into this situation.  I am so STUPID for not being good at climbing trees.  Everyone else can climb trees, why can't I?!?  And on top of being stupid, I can't even execute my "escape" plan.  The inner critic loves to rant and rave.

And sometimes the people around us aren't much help either.  Friends want to "help" by giving advice, telling us how they would handle the situation.  But their misguided wisdom, while well meaning, just reiterates the fact that we aren't handling the situation very well.  Or it keeps us searching for a solution that might not exist.

It would be so easy to find a way to numb these feelings.  Eat a cookie.  Go online and shop.  Have a glass of wine.  Just make the feelings disappear.  Shove them into a dark corner and ignore them.

But in these situations, there is no easy fix.  You can't wave a magic wand and make the bad feelings go away.  And it is fruitless to spend time ignoring the feelings or trying to make them disappear.  They'll still be there, waiting to be felt, no matter how long you try to ignore them.

In these situations, there are three things that help me:

1. Breathing.  Taking in a few deep breaths helps to calm me down and bring me back to the present moment.  It's simple and effective.
2. Positive self talk.  I say to myself is...  It's OK.  I believe in you.  You can do this.
3. Gratitude.  Finding a few things to be thankful for helps me to focus on the positive, instead of freaking out about the negative.

Well, I'm headed back to the earthquake.  I'm not happy about it, but I know it won't ruin me.  Breathe in peace, breathe out peace.  I can do this.  I am grateful for you readers out there, for being there to "listen".  :-)

A few good words

Today I found a new blog that has really lifted my spirits.

http://www.abeautifulrippleeffect.com/

After reading a few of her blogs, I was inspired to search out a few inspirational quotes.  I love quotes!  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!  :-)

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.  Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal."  - Pamela Vaull Starr

"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll

A little tantrum :-)

Last Friday, I would have bet money that I'd be writing today to tell you I was quitting.  It was the second weekend for my meditation course...  and I thought I was going to walk away enlightened and emboldened to Q-U-I-T.  However, that isn't how things turned out.

And what surprised me is how MAD I am that I'm not quitting today.  Yes, I know it is silly to be mad at myself for something that I have complete control over.  But that doesn't make the frustration go away. 

I am worn out from working in a toxic work environment.  I want to be clear - I'm not blaming my company.  There is nothing wrong with the company; it is a culture that just doesn't work for me.  I do not flourish in it's environment... in fact, I feel myself wilting quickly.  I'm like a flower planted in a pot that is too small and doesn't get enough sunlight.

I am ready to leave.  And I'm tired of waiting for the right moment.  The kid inside me wants to pitch a fit - stomp my feet and pout until I get my way.  I want a magic wand that will obliterate my less than ideal conditions and leave me with a surplus of worry-free time.  Is that too much to ask?!?

The adult in me knows that it isn't smart or responsible to run away right now.  I know I need to make sure I'm running toward something when I leave.  I know the stars and the moon don't need to perfectly align.  But, they do need to get a little closer.  So for now, I am still employed.

But just for today, I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk a little.  I'm in a difficult place in life and this journey isn't easy.  So I'm going to stomp my feet a little and maybe shed a tear or two.

Tomorrow is a new day...

E-day

When I first declared my plan to "escape" Corporate America, I picked April 20 to be the "E-Day" or "Escape Day".  On that day, I would hand in my 2-weeks notice and be free. 

Yes, April 20 is five days away.  And no, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Since deciding that I would quit, I've been waiting for a sign that it was actually time to do it...  If I found a roommate or part-time job, I would feel better about my financial situation.  If I was inspired to go back to school or if I found my "perfect" job, I would have a "good" reason to quit.  If, if, if...

I kept looking outside myself for permission to quit.  I wanted the universe to give me a big flashing sign.  I wanted God to speak to me in a booming voice.

Unfortunately, that doesn't fit with the spirit of this whole adventure!  The answer isn't out there.  It is inside me.  It isn't going to scream to get my attention.  It is sitting in the quiet, in the stillness. 

Today, I woke up and knew it was time to be bold.  But right now, I can give you 50 reasons why I should stay a little while longer.  I'm beginning to wonder if each reason is just a message to myself that says "I don't trust you". 

What if I just trusted myself?  What if I quit without any idea how it will turnout?  Why don't I tap into the depths of courage that exist in my heart, trust myself, and just LEAP?

I'll keep you posted on the answers...

WWOWKD?

I'm currently reading "Taking the Leap" by Pema Chodron.  It is a wonderful book about freeing ourselves from old habits and fears.  In the chapter I just finished, she talks about remaining open when things are uncomfortable.

It is hard to sit with uncertainty.  But, life isn't predictable - so over the years, we develop a toolbox of ways to "deal" with the uncertainty.  Or sometimes, we just go out of our way to avoid the really difficult decisions.

For some people, it might mean numbing their feelings with food or drink or shopping or TV.  For others, it might mean staying in a bad marriage.  For me, I've stayed in Corporate America because I was too afraid of the unknown.  How can I leave my cushy job when I'm not 100% certain how it will turn out?  Better the devil you know, right?

Yesterday after yoga, I talked with one of my favorite instructors.  She left the corporate world over a year ago and peace and happiness just ooze from her.  She reminded me that I might need to leap without having every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed.  Could I do really do that?  Could I just trust that I'm making the right decision and quit without a roommate or job lined up??  My soul longs for that freedom.  But my fear keeps me focused on processing endless barriers to that freedom!

In her book, Pema gives a great example with her grandson Pete, who is a big Star Wars fan.  One day when he was upset, she asked him, "Pete, what would Obi-Wan Kenobi do?"  As he contemplated the question, he sat up straight and started smiling - suddenly manifesting as a powerful person who trusted in himself.

Pete was 7 and the effect only lasted for a few moments.  But, WOW!!  What a powerful example!  When things get uncomfortable, maybe we should ask yourselves WWOWKD, What Would Obi-Wan Kenobi Do?  And maybe, just for a moment, we can tap into that place of inner trust and power instead of letting the discomfort overwhelm us.

So every day this week, I'm going to stop and ask myself WWOWKD.  And maybe the moments of fear will decrease and the voice of love will increase.

The Choice for Love
(Emmanuel's Book II)

What does the voice of fear whisper to you?

Fear speaks to you in logic and reason.
It assumes the language of love itself.

Fear tells you, "I want to make you safe."
Love says, "You are safe."

Fear says, "Give me symbols. Give me frozen images. Give me something I can rely on."

Loving truth says, "Only give me this moment."

Fear would walk you on a narrow path promising to take you where you want to go.

Love says, "Open your arms and fly with me."

Every moment in your life you are offered the opportunity to choose - love or fear, to tread the earth or soar the heavens.

Gratitude

I am such a lucky person!  I am surrounded by great people who love and support me on this journey.  After reading my last post, a friend sent me the following quote by Rumi:

“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you”.

Yesterday, I was starting to feel like I was beating a dead horse - with post after post about how hard it is to sit with the uncertainty on this path.  It was wonderful to receive the quote because it made me realize that you guys get it!  :-)  It was just what I needed!


I am so grateful for you, my friend! 

Patience

A little background...  When dreaming of potential new jobs, there are a few ideas that always get me excited.  Somewhere on that list, after "personal assistant to Michael Franti" and "cast member on Glee", I think working in a vets office or teaching math for middle school girls would be pretty awesome.

One option in my "escape from Corporate America plan" is to find a job that would allow me more freedom to spend time creating my new career.  And this past weekend, there it was - the perfect option!  Receptionist at a veterinary office down the street from my place!!

I can't tell you how happy it made me!  I started dreaming of owning a Boston Terrier puppy and bringing it into the office with me.  I could lunch on Tempeh Reuben sandwiches at my favorite local vegetarian restaurant.  I wouldn't spend so much time in rush hour traffic.  Ah, bliss!

There was a small catch... I'm completely under-qualified as a receptionist.  And completely over-qualified in many other areas.  But, I didn't let that hold me back!  And long story short, they weren't interested.  :-(  I won't lie, I was pretty upset.  No more Boston Terrier.  No more Tempeh Reuben sandwiches.  No more short commute.  It was so easy to let disappointment cast a dark cloud on my week.  

Now, the ideal option in my "escape plan" is to find a meaningful career while I'm still employed in Corporate America.  I have a real passion to help girls develop as strong, confident women.  I am also a self-professed numbers geek.  In my mind, the ideal combination of the two would be to teach math at an all-girls school.  

There is only ONE all-girls school in town.  So, I check their website every few weeks to see if there are any job postings...  And it doesn't take a numbers geek to figure it out!  They had a posting for a middle-school math teacher yesterday.  All of those dark clouds seem pretty silly now, don't they!?!

There are two things that I learned here...

One.  Did you notice that I called the receptionist position "perfect" and the teaching position "ideal"?  When I think something is perfect, I have too much attachment to it and end up getting hurt when it doesn't turn out exactly as I planned.  We all know that nothing is ever perfect... so when "perfect" fails, it is so easy to beat myself up.

But when something is "ideal", it doesn't come laden with unrealistic expectations.  "Ideal" doesn't mean I will avoid disappointment.  Shoot, the disappointment might be deeper.  But, it won't be accompanied by my "inner critic" saying I TOLD YOU SO!

Second thing.  The more I hope that I can control the outcome of this journey, the more disappointed I become.  I know there is something great out there for me.  But, this example reminded me that when I'm "in control", it is easy to sell myself short.  I just need to trust and believe that everything is going to work out for my higher good!

Awake, Aware, Alive

I read the following blog yesterday.

How to Live in the Land of Yes

Over the last few months, the power of positive thought has been an important theme in my life.  I can be very cynical and pessimistic.  In my defense, I would tell people that I was just analytical, which actually made me great at my job.  But, I didn't have a full grasp on how the negativity impacted my life.

"I'm not happy at work"
"I could stand to lose a few pounds"
"It is too hard to change"
"I'm too sensitive"
"I will never find the type of guy I'm looking for"
"I'm a mess"

I thought my "inner critic" used the negative thoughts to spur me to action.  If I didn't highlight the problem, how would I ever solve it?  Right?!?  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that this logic was backfiring big time!  

Earlier this week, I felt miserable and trapped.  Things started to heat up at work... and my "inner critic" started to berate me for not executing my "escape plan" in an expeditious fashion.  (I think my "inner critic" uses that corporate lingo to get under my skin)

Instead of jumping to action, I just froze right there - feeling miserable and trapped.  Not only was work stressful, but I was piling blame and anger on top.  So NOT helpful!  :-)

OK, so what should I do differently?  In Gail's blog, she says:

What does it mean to live in the land of Yes? When you inhabit Yes, you are open, receptive, available. You approach each moment with wonder and curiosity, without expectation, with openness.  In the land of Yes, you don’t close down or shut yourself away. You don’t avoid or resist. You are here, present, awake, aware, alive.

I realize that I am happier when I go with the flow.  Yes, it hasn't been as easy as I expected to find a roommate or part-time job.  But, that doesn't have any reflection on me as a human being.  I'm still loving and wonderful and brilliant.  I'm still going to escape Corporate America.  I trust that everything is working out for my highest good.

Phew!  That takes such a huge weight off my shoulders and brings a very big smile to my face!

Insane sanity

Yesterday, I was challenged by my therapist... "You need to embrace your craziness."  Wait, what did she say??  Had I been transported to an alternate universe where I was stuck in an episode of Seinfeld.  Really, my therapist wants me to be crazy?!?


OK, so I'm being a little dramatic.  :-)  She was challenging me to let go of my "normal" way of approaching problems.  The hard part is that for most people, "normal" looks like the right way to do it.  But for me, "normal" just hasn't been working!  So maybe it's time to embrace a new way, one that might look "crazy" to the average American.


The conversation reminded me of something I wrote a few months ago, back when I was daydreaming about writing this blog.  I went back and found it...

Insane.  This word doesn’t conjure up warm and fuzzy images.  At first glance, I think of straight jackets, ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest’, and a very young Jack Nicholson smashing a fountain through a window to escape the asylum.

But these days, I’m rethinking my definition of sanity.  In the past, sanity = safe & secure.  Sanity = easy & comfortable.  Sanity = status quo.  Sanity = following the path of least resistance.  For me, that meant a high paying corporate job.  A large condo.  A luxury car.  Exotic vacations.  Designer shoes.

This is the point where you’re saying, damn girl, that is a pretty nice definition of sanity.  Sign me up for that!

However there are a few more words that accompany this particular definition of sanity.  Anxiety & stress.  Chasing dollars instead of dreams.  A never ending drive to be perfect.

Again, the majority of people out there are OK with these additional definitions.  You can’t get to the top without lots of hard work and sacrifice.  That’s just the way life goes.

But, this “sanity” is making me unhappy.  Deep down in the depths of my soul, I know that the chase of the American Dream isn’t working for me.  I am tired of helping "the man" chase the next dollar... I want to help people.  I am tired of office politics... my sensitive side doesn't want to work in an environment where emotions are viewed as weakness.  I am ready to get back in touch with my creative side... which has laid dormant for years and years.  I long for real connections with people... racking up more shoes and more money just leaves me feeling empty.

All of the sudden, everything that looked black now looks white.  My cushy life feels stiffling and really uncomfortable.  What the heck do you do when your world gets turned upside down like that?

Here is my solution...  I’m going to dive into the unknown.  Jump ship and swim the waters below, in search of something new.

Apparently, I already knew that crazy is the way to go!!

What I'm slowly realizing is that navigating crazy without a map is pretty daunting.  When should I quit?  How long will it take to find a roommate and part-time job to keep me afloat while I chase my dreams?  How will I ever figure out what I really want to do? 


But here is what I do know...  As I navigate the waters, I have to learn to avoid the sharks of doubt and fear.  I have to learn news ways to approach problems by throwing off my old definition of sanity.  I have to learn to bask in the warm glow of my new insane sanity.