It's all becoming foggy...

One of the things that has driven me along this journey is the constant belief that I have all of the answers inside me.  That there is an "inner Kim" who is supremely wise.  And if I listen to her quiet whisperings, I will find my true calling.


My analytical brain used to believe this "inner Kim" held a map and if I could just find a flashlight, I would be able to see the plan for my future.  Honestly, that's what I thought meditation was going to do - shine a flashlight on a detailed map of my future.  Holy smokes, was I wrong!?!  


My "inner Kim" does have a map - but it isn't legible to my eyes.  And right now, all she is telling me is that I'm in the right place.  She is asking me to trust her.  And she is reminding me to enjoy the moment.  


As you can imagine, the "type A" side of my personality is a little uncomfortable with that.  Wouldn't it be better to have a plan?  Shouldn't I be doing more?!?  If I just knew exactly where I was going, I would be able to be more prepared when I get there!


 Here is a quote from Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth":

The mind is more comfortable in a landscaped park because it has been planned through thought; it is not grown organically.  There is an order here that the mind can understand.  In the forest, there is an incomprehensible order that to the mind looks like chaos.  It is beyond the mental categories of good and bad.  You cannot understand it through thought, but you can sense it when you let go of thought, become still and alert, and don't try to understand or explain.  Only then can you be aware of the sacredness of the forest.  As soon as you sense that hidden harmony, that sacredness, you realize you are not separate from it, and when you realize that, you become a conscious participant in it.

I've been fighting this lesson.  I thought all I needed to do was let go of my fear.  But I also need to let go of my desire to control every step along the way.  I need to recognize the sacredness of this journey, instead of worrying about the chaos.  Just because I can't see the future doesn't mean that I'm not on the right path.  


Life isn't a manicured garden.  It is a wild forest... which sounds like a much more exciting place to be.