Last Friday, I would have bet money that I'd be writing today to tell you I was quitting. It was the second weekend for my meditation course... and I thought I was going to walk away enlightened and emboldened to Q-U-I-T. However, that isn't how things turned out.
And what surprised me is how MAD I am that I'm not quitting today. Yes, I know it is silly to be mad at myself for something that I have complete control over. But that doesn't make the frustration go away.
I am worn out from working in a toxic work environment. I want to be clear - I'm not blaming my company. There is nothing wrong with the company; it is a culture that just doesn't work for me. I do not flourish in it's environment... in fact, I feel myself wilting quickly. I'm like a flower planted in a pot that is too small and doesn't get enough sunlight.
I am ready to leave. And I'm tired of waiting for the right moment. The kid inside me wants to pitch a fit - stomp my feet and pout until I get my way. I want a magic wand that will obliterate my less than ideal conditions and leave me with a surplus of worry-free time. Is that too much to ask?!?
The adult in me knows that it isn't smart or responsible to run away right now. I know I need to make sure I'm running toward something when I leave. I know the stars and the moon don't need to perfectly align. But, they do need to get a little closer. So for now, I am still employed.
But just for today, I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk a little. I'm in a difficult place in life and this journey isn't easy. So I'm going to stomp my feet a little and maybe shed a tear or two.
Tomorrow is a new day...
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