What I'm learning...

On this journey of learning to meditate, I'm re-learning many gems that apply to my non-meditating hours as well.  It never hurts to be re-reminded of these things...


#1.  Meditation isn't all "lofty, top of the mountain, pink lollipop, life is bliss".
But then again, neither is life.  Some days, life feels like you're flying higher than a kite.  And some days, life feels like you're an old banana peel rotting at the bottom of a trash can.  But as long as we expect the events of our day to fulfill us, we will be sadly disappointed.  Each day is worth celebrating.  Each day brings a new lesson.  Each day is exactly as it should be, so be grateful (and maybe even be HAPPY)!


#2.  Resisting my inner critic only makes him stronger when I meditate.  As I learn to be indifferent to him, he will lose his power over me.
This is a hard one.  Because of some circumstances in my life, I've come to let my inner critic rule me.  And over the last year, I've worked to slowly release the hold he has on me.  I'm working to establish a new way of viewing myself and the world.  This transition isn't easy, but the results are SO worth it.  There are some times when that inner critic is needed - like red flags warning me that danger is ahead.  I am very grateful for him at those times.  But, there are many times that his incessant talking keeps me from hearing that quiet, inner voice that speaks the truth.  And yelling at him to tell him to SHUT UP just aggravates the issue.  The key is indifference - which can act as a magic dimmer switch to slowly turn his volume down.


#3.  The critical, anxious, fearful voice that prowls through my meditation is not my true nature.  It's just garbage that is being cleared out.  And what is just beneath is the real me - perfect, whole and complete.
Once those critical thoughts are gone, my true nature begins to shine through.  This resonates deeply in my soul.  It's like my insides are saying, "yeah, that's right".  They are so excited that the gunk is being cleared - because they know the greatness that is to come.  This is the feeling that I want to take with me through the day.  Not the one that doubts, criticizes, and fears.  The one that has confidence, hope, and joy!  :-)


A very sincere thank you to my meditation teacher for reminding me of these truths.

The ideal dad

I recently learned to meditate.  And actually, it's been very challenging for me.  Sitting quietly for 20 minutes, twice a day isn't something my type-A, control freak, critical brain wants to do.  My brain likes being in control.  It doesn't want to quiet down.  It doesn't want to allow me to sink into that deeper knowing, that inner peace inside me.


And this week, my meditation unearthed some deep feelings.  When thoughts arise during my meditation, I'm supposed to gently return to my mantra.  Easy, right???  WRONG!  My brain wants to engage in the thoughts, look at them from every angle, under all different types of light.  That is pretty typical during meditation - when thoughts pop up, it means its working.  But for me, it stirs up something more...


That inner critical voice that gives a running play by play during my meditation sounds a lot like my dad.  And by just gently returning to my mantra, I feel like I'm letting my dad's voice "win".  The prospect of letting this inner critic reign free during my meditation really upsets me.  I don't like accepting this part of my nature.  It is the part that has driven me to many of my vices - overwork, bulimia, drunken binges, driving for perfection.


So instead, I try to fight it.  I try to change it for the positive.  This is more thinking - which isn't the point of meditation.  I won't find inner bliss by spending 40 minutes each day fighting my inner critic.  


But then I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  Letting that negative dad voice speak brings me to a negative place.  But fighting that voice stirs up a different set of issues.  Apparently, I need a bit of reprogramming!  :-)


After sharing this with my therapist, she pointed out that I have NO idea what an "ideal dad" looks like.  She challenged me to spend some time imagining that ideal dad.  Not because I need to fuel my anger at my dad.  But because I need to start learning to be an "ideal parent" to myself.  I need to learn to diffuse the anger at my past by breaking the hold it has on me.  And then maybe, it won't cause so much inner angst to gently, quietly, innocently return to my mantra!


Here are some of my thoughts about what that ideal dad would look like...

He'd come home from work and scoop me up in his arms. He would say, "I missed you SO much today.  I love you and I can't wait to hear about your day."

When he'd help with math homework, he'd say "Wow, you're so smart" when I got a problem right.  (Maybe he'd tousle my hair too)  If I was stumped, he would say "That's a tough one, let's see if we can work it through together".

If I lost a softball game, he'd come up and give me a big ol' hug and say "You played your best and I'm SO proud of you".

If I got scared, he would take me in his arms and hold me tight and whisper softly, "shhhh, you're safe, I've got you".

I would LOVE to hear your examples of an ideal dad.  I know mine are a bit "Leave it to Beaver".  But I want to start filling my bank with positive examples of how to treat myself during difficult situations.

No news is good news???

Hi there everyone.  I have been at a loss about what to say over the last few weeks.  But I need to start somewhere, so here I go...  


I had a whirlwind week when I quit.  I was in shock.  Then scared.  And then ecstatic.  But by the end of the week, two things had lined up.  The first was a potential volunteer project with one of my favorite charities.  But the second was that my company made me an offer to create my own role!!!  


After thinking about it for a few days and sleeping on it for a few nights, I came back with what I wanted...  Part-time, work-life balance (not expecting me to go above and beyond my 30 hours/week on a regular basis and limiting my travel), a shift in the projects that I worked on, and help to find a mentor within the company.  I was very excited - I was going to get the opportunity to start a few projects outside of work, but I still was going to have benefits and (partial) monetary support from my job.  


At the time, I knew in my heart that it was the right decision.  I knew it would be a struggle, but I felt very confident about the opportunity.  


And now a week has gone by and I've had no word from management.  They never got back to me last week.  And this week, they are all out of town and out of contact.  And work has been it's normal self - crazy, chaotic, and toxic.  


So, now I'm starting to doubt the decision.  I don't need an answer right away.  I know that Corporate America doesn't move quickly.  But I at least would like to know they are making progress.  I want to make sure they realize this wasn't an idle threat - I WILL NOT stay in my current role as it exists today.  Yes, I know it takes time to transition and create something new.  I want to keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel - and their silence makes me feel like I've been cast into darkness.


And I am angry.  They gave me back the ONE thing that was hardest for me to give up by quitting - SECURITY.  I got lulled back into a false sense of security.  And if it doesn't work out, I know I'm going to have to feel the strain of subduing my biggest fear again.


So there you go.  Lots of emotions.  Lots of frustration.  But the light is at the end of the tunnel.  It might be the light of unemployed.  Or it might be the light of a new way to work in Corporate America, the light of standing up for what I want - even if it is against tradition.  My fear is pulling for one light over the other.  My heart is pulling for the light that leads me to my true path.  I'll keep you posted!

A poem for the day

“The Guest House” by Rumi
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

A few quotes

Hey there kiddos!  Well, things are slowly sinking in.  It will probably be a few days before I'm out of the middle of the emotions and can write about the last few days with some semblance of coherence.  :-)  Until then, I thought I would share a few quotes from friends after hearing the news...

Just reading Lost and Found and thought you'd appreciate this quote right about now on telling the TRUTH about our situations (in a light way despite its contents!): p. 183, Geneen Roth says Buddhist teacher Stephen Levine once said, "the only people he knows who have their shit together are standing in it at the same time." Humbling and relieving, huh?

Here's another one...

Did it ever occur to you that the Universe was showing you the opposite... that the squirrel got killed because he let FEAR take over?

And finally, this blog landed in my email this afternoon:

Honesty can feel uncomfortable in the short-term. I’ve often struggled with being fully myself, asking for what I need, and saying no when people ask for things I don’t want to give. But everything good in my life has come from the decision to honor my own truth.
We all have countless opportunities to do this from one day to the next. Today when you have a choice to be true to yourself or please someone else, ask yourself: Would you rather be honest and temporarily uncomfortable, or slowly convince yourself that what you want, need, and believe doesn’t matter?

Dead squirrels

Hi there folks.  Well, I DID IT!!!!!  :-)  I'm not sure what I expected to feel.  But, I thought you would get a kick out of my first reaction!


At first, I was in shock.  I couldn't believe I actually did it.  Then I cried.  Then I was happy.  All of that happened during the first hour after the words, "I quit", left my mouth.  


But then I was scared.  Shitless.  Yes, my old friend FEAR came running back in and set up camp in the middle of my mind.  I knew he would come.  But I wasn't 100% prepared for the tools he decided to use...  


First, he started by trying to shock me. "What if you're in a serious accident that leaves you paralyzed, what will you do without long term disability insurance?  You'll have to go live with your parents.  And that would be hundreds of times worse than working in Corporate America." 


Then fear decided to get personal.  He started telling me that I wasn't going to be successful outside of Corporate America.  He told me that I would be back working for "the man" within 6 months.


But, he pulled out all stops with this last one.  I had gone to the park and as I was walking along, I noticed this poor little squirrel.  He kept trying to run up a fence.  He would make it about halfway up and then he would fall off, then he'd turn around and try to run right back up the fence, just to fall off again.  I saw him attempt the fence 4-5 times as I approached.  There was another man who was coming from the other direction and we passed each other at the exact location where the squirrel was trying to climb the fence.  


Unfortunately, the poor little squirrel got scared and BOLTED.  
Right into the middle of the street.  
Right under the wheel of an oncoming car.  
SPLAT!


And immediately fear said, "Kim, that's you.  You just freaked out.  You shouldn't have quit because you'll be squished like that poor dumb squirrel."  


I almost lost it.  I started crying.  It really got to me.  


But then I realized, I am not like that poor squirrel.  I am not making a mad dash into danger.  I am making a really smart move.  It might not be a move that makes sense to everyone out there.  But it is the right move for me.


And then I laughed.  How could I let myself get so worked up that I thought the universe was giving me a sign by killing a poor little squirrel before my eyes.


I guess it's official folks, I'm definitely crazy!  But freedom is mine!!!!!!!!!

Soon, very soon

I received this card in the mail today.  It was pretty perfect timing!  :-)

A happy reminder

I found a new artist on Etsy to love.  Her name is Stephanie Ryan.  When this beautiful creation arrived in the mail, it brought me so much happiness and joy.  I love finding items that just give me warm fuzzies every time that I look at them!