And this week, my meditation unearthed some deep feelings. When thoughts arise during my meditation, I'm supposed to gently return to my mantra. Easy, right??? WRONG! My brain wants to engage in the thoughts, look at them from every angle, under all different types of light. That is pretty typical during meditation - when thoughts pop up, it means its working. But for me, it stirs up something more...
That inner critical voice that gives a running play by play during my meditation sounds a lot like my dad. And by just gently returning to my mantra, I feel like I'm letting my dad's voice "win". The prospect of letting this inner critic reign free during my meditation really upsets me. I don't like accepting this part of my nature. It is the part that has driven me to many of my vices - overwork, bulimia, drunken binges, driving for perfection.
So instead, I try to fight it. I try to change it for the positive. This is more thinking - which isn't the point of meditation. I won't find inner bliss by spending 40 minutes each day fighting my inner critic.
But then I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Letting that negative dad voice speak brings me to a negative place. But fighting that voice stirs up a different set of issues. Apparently, I need a bit of reprogramming! :-)
After sharing this with my therapist, she pointed out that I have NO idea what an "ideal dad" looks like. She challenged me to spend some time imagining that ideal dad. Not because I need to fuel my anger at my dad. But because I need to start learning to be an "ideal parent" to myself. I need to learn to diffuse the anger at my past by breaking the hold it has on me. And then maybe, it won't cause so much inner angst to gently, quietly, innocently return to my mantra!
Here are some of my thoughts about what that ideal dad would look like...
He'd come home from work and scoop me up in his arms. He would say, "I missed you SO much today. I love you and I can't wait to hear about your day."
When he'd help with math homework, he'd say "Wow, you're so smart" when I got a problem right. (Maybe he'd tousle my hair too) If I was stumped, he would say "That's a tough one, let's see if we can work it through together".
If I lost a softball game, he'd come up and give me a big ol' hug and say "You played your best and I'm SO proud of you".
If I got scared, he would take me in his arms and hold me tight and whisper softly, "shhhh, you're safe, I've got you".I would LOVE to hear your examples of an ideal dad. I know mine are a bit "Leave it to Beaver". But I want to start filling my bank with positive examples of how to treat myself during difficult situations.
I have difficulty with this "ideal parent" subject as I, too, have been encouraged to come up with this as well. That being said, I think we all want the Leave it to Beaver parent when we had the complete opposite growing up. I wrote a "Higher Power wanted" ad during my search for spirituality and the qualities I seek in my Higher Power coincide with that of which I not only want, but need in a parent. The number one thing has been and always will be simple: unconditional love.
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