There's nothing to hold on to

Well folks, that first post came to me at New Years.   I thought it was a fitting start to my blog.  But, it's been 4 months since I wrote it.  And when I look back at those words, I'm shocked they came out of my mouth.

I began an amazing re-birth at the end of 2010 with great intentions for 2011.  But once I got back into the swing of my day-to-day corporate life, those intentions got set on the back burner.  Until recently...

This past weekend, I started a wonderful journey, a special meditation course at my yoga studio.  When I read the description, the words jumped right off the computer screen and into my heart.  "Powerful tools for self-transformation”,  "You... long for deeper connection and experience", "Restore the memory of one's own true nature ".

As the course approached, I started to get a little nervous.  OK, a LOT nervous.  This was "advanced" training.  Was I about to jump into the deep-end of the pool, wearing no floaties, only knowing how to dog paddle??

But I knew, deep inside, that I was supposed to take this course.  So, I was surprised when halfway through the first day, my heart was gripped with fear.  We're not talking, "Oh, I'm scared".  We're talking, "Holy shit!!!  I feel like something has a vise grip on my heart".

We did partner yoga, which I hadn’t had issues with before.  But this was more real, the touch was kind, the eye contact was supportive.  My heart was POUNDING through my chest!  

I was the only one without an established meditation practice.  A critical voice in my mind kept saying "you don't belong here", "you aren't good enough", "you're in over your head", "you made a mistake".  

And the squeezing on my heart just got tighter.

Many of my old demons, that I thought were long gone, came running back into my life.  This wasn't supposed to happen, was it?!?!

But after some journaling and self-talk, I was excited for the second day.  And I began to wash off some of the mud that had accumulated on that heart whose words were so profound at New Years.  And inside, I saw a bright light shining.  I knew that I had the courage to step forward and embrace the brilliance inside me.  And it wasn't just about leaving my job.  It was something so much bigger, something that I can't realize or grasp at this moment.

While the idea of re-birth came from inside, I had only been letting it live in my head.  I hadn't fully transferred it to my heart.  And it's easy to rationalize things inside your head.  But your heart doesn't lie.  

The course instructor said...  Birth is messy.  Birth is painful.  You have to bear down hard to birth the future.  Birth brings a miracle that never existed before.

I have been the expectant mother, excited about the new "child" incubating inside.  And I’ve reached the last few weeks of “pregnancy” when you suddenly realize that there is a long, painful labor ahead, many dirty diapers, and quite a few sleepless nights.  But there is also the joy of creating something new.  The joy of purity.  The joy of bliss.  The joy of knowing my true nature and embracing my brilliance!

And Marilyn Ferguson so wonderfully put my feelings into words, “It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear…  It’s like being between trapezes.  It’s Linus when his blanket is the dryer.  There’s nothing to hold on to.”

So here I go.  Wheeeeeeeeeee!