50% effort, 50% surrender

In yoga last tonight, during a pose that was pushing my hamstrings to their edge, the instructor said "Remember, it's 50% effort and 50% surrender."  My first thought was "phew, I can back off from 100% effort!!"  And then it struck me, 50% surrender?!?  How does that fit??

In the past, it was very easy for me to slip into an "all-or-nothing" outlook on life.  If I can't do it perfectly, I might as well not do it all.  For a long time, I ignored this trait in myself.  I would glibly say... "but that's what makes me great at my job".  I couldn't visualize a different way of being, so I would swing between 0% or 100% in everything.  Friendships, work, recovery, etc.

But my desire to make a life change has made me find a new way to operate.  For months, I obsessed about finding a new job.  I spent hundreds of dollars on a life coach.  I tried to manage the fear.  I tried to control the outcome.  But in the end, it was my surrender that opened the path forward.

But even after the surrender, even after the next step on my path has come into focus... there is still a little inner voice that keeps saying, you need to be DOING something.  You can't just sit there.

Well, that voice is using the old "all-or-nothing" way of viewing things.  Since I'm not spenidng 100% of my effort on finding my new, aboslutely perfect path, I must be doing absolutely nothing.  But that is WRONG. 

50% effort...  It isn't about obsessively planning.  But it also isn't about waiting for the perfect opportunity to just fall into my lap.  It's about doing the work that needs to be done.  I am learning to listen to and trust my inner guidance.  I am putting myself in new situations.  I moving towards consciousness and away from my ego-driven, never-ending, obsessive thoughts.  I'm surrounding myself with fellow lovers of life.

50% surrender...  This is new territory for me.  So I work daily to surrender the thoughts of fear and criticism.  I'm diving deep, keeping myself open for more possibilities... and I'm expecting the world!!

And last night in the class, I surrendered into the deep stretch.  I let go of the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders... and found that I could go a little deeper.  Amazing!  When I backed off, I found that I had a little more stretch to give!  A good lesson...

It Is I Who Must Begin

A poem for today...

It Is I Who Must Begin

It is I who must begin.
Once I begin, once I try --
here and now,
right where I am,
not excusing myself
by saying things
would be easier elsewhere,
without grand speeches and
ostentatious gestures,
but all the more persistently
-- to live in harmony
with the "voice of Being," as I
understand it within myself
-- as soon as I begin that,
I suddenly discover,
to my surprise, that
I am neither the only one,
nor the first,
nor the most important one
to have set out
upon that road.

Whether all is really lost
or not depends entirely on
whether or not I am lost.

~ Vaclav Havel ~

A quote

I just read this quote and it made me smile.  I thought it was appropriate...

“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn’t conspire against you, but it doesn’t go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it’s important to you and you want to do it “eventually,” just do it and correct course along the way.” ~Tim Ferriss, from The 4-Hour Workweek

Welcoming chaos

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."  - Friedrich Nietzsche

I friend sent me a card with that quote recently.  And while I understood it, I didn't really GET it at first.  However, the universe is slowly teaching me.  :-)

It's coming on 4 weeks since I "quit" and I still have no clue how things are going to shake out.

:-)  A little bit of chaos here.
I am ready to get started in a new part-time role with my company.  But now that I decided to stay, I dropped lower on their priority list and everything is in a strange limbo.  I know I'm going to work part-time, but I don't know how many hours that means.  I know it's going to be a different role, but no one is clear on what it will entail.  And I don't feel any real urgency to get answers to any of those questions.

:-)  A little bit of chaos there.
I am ready to get started on the volunteer project outside of work, but it isn't as definite as I thought.  The person who sold me on it isn't the person in charge, so when I said "I'm ready", her reaction wasn't "let's get started!!!"  It was more, "oh, um, I'll have to talk to so-and-so first and see if there is anyone else working on it".

:-)  A little bit of chaos everywhere.
You'll get a laugh out of my emotions.  You know how last week I was scared of losing my security if the part-time job didn't pan out.  Well, after it became evident that the part-time job was going to come through, I got upset about losing the potential freedom.  My emotions can't seem to make up their mind! 

But there is one thing that has been constant.  The inner knowledge that I'm doing the right thing.  I heard the voice say "make a change".  And after much worry and planning and more worry and a lot of fear, I trusted the voice and made the first step.  Now comes the chaos.  :-)

So why the smiles?  Chaos isn't fun, is it??  Here is a quote from Mastin Kipp and his blog, "The Daily Love":

See the opportunity instead of the fear; decide that you have the power to not only make the best of this situation, but to actually make a better life for yourself BECAUSE of this situation.  For your dreams to come true it's vital that you learn to be flexible enough to adapt to and make the best of change. In fact, don't just make the best of change and the unexpected, get EXCITED by it!

And when I look in my heart, that is how I feel, EXCITED!  Of course, my brain wants to react to the chaos.  That's normal.  But I want to keep my focus in my heart.  Because my heart knows what's best, it's where my dreams live.  And I have no doubt I'm heading to fertile soil... to make my dreams grow and come to life!

What I'm learning...

On this journey of learning to meditate, I'm re-learning many gems that apply to my non-meditating hours as well.  It never hurts to be re-reminded of these things...


#1.  Meditation isn't all "lofty, top of the mountain, pink lollipop, life is bliss".
But then again, neither is life.  Some days, life feels like you're flying higher than a kite.  And some days, life feels like you're an old banana peel rotting at the bottom of a trash can.  But as long as we expect the events of our day to fulfill us, we will be sadly disappointed.  Each day is worth celebrating.  Each day brings a new lesson.  Each day is exactly as it should be, so be grateful (and maybe even be HAPPY)!


#2.  Resisting my inner critic only makes him stronger when I meditate.  As I learn to be indifferent to him, he will lose his power over me.
This is a hard one.  Because of some circumstances in my life, I've come to let my inner critic rule me.  And over the last year, I've worked to slowly release the hold he has on me.  I'm working to establish a new way of viewing myself and the world.  This transition isn't easy, but the results are SO worth it.  There are some times when that inner critic is needed - like red flags warning me that danger is ahead.  I am very grateful for him at those times.  But, there are many times that his incessant talking keeps me from hearing that quiet, inner voice that speaks the truth.  And yelling at him to tell him to SHUT UP just aggravates the issue.  The key is indifference - which can act as a magic dimmer switch to slowly turn his volume down.


#3.  The critical, anxious, fearful voice that prowls through my meditation is not my true nature.  It's just garbage that is being cleared out.  And what is just beneath is the real me - perfect, whole and complete.
Once those critical thoughts are gone, my true nature begins to shine through.  This resonates deeply in my soul.  It's like my insides are saying, "yeah, that's right".  They are so excited that the gunk is being cleared - because they know the greatness that is to come.  This is the feeling that I want to take with me through the day.  Not the one that doubts, criticizes, and fears.  The one that has confidence, hope, and joy!  :-)


A very sincere thank you to my meditation teacher for reminding me of these truths.

The ideal dad

I recently learned to meditate.  And actually, it's been very challenging for me.  Sitting quietly for 20 minutes, twice a day isn't something my type-A, control freak, critical brain wants to do.  My brain likes being in control.  It doesn't want to quiet down.  It doesn't want to allow me to sink into that deeper knowing, that inner peace inside me.


And this week, my meditation unearthed some deep feelings.  When thoughts arise during my meditation, I'm supposed to gently return to my mantra.  Easy, right???  WRONG!  My brain wants to engage in the thoughts, look at them from every angle, under all different types of light.  That is pretty typical during meditation - when thoughts pop up, it means its working.  But for me, it stirs up something more...


That inner critical voice that gives a running play by play during my meditation sounds a lot like my dad.  And by just gently returning to my mantra, I feel like I'm letting my dad's voice "win".  The prospect of letting this inner critic reign free during my meditation really upsets me.  I don't like accepting this part of my nature.  It is the part that has driven me to many of my vices - overwork, bulimia, drunken binges, driving for perfection.


So instead, I try to fight it.  I try to change it for the positive.  This is more thinking - which isn't the point of meditation.  I won't find inner bliss by spending 40 minutes each day fighting my inner critic.  


But then I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  Letting that negative dad voice speak brings me to a negative place.  But fighting that voice stirs up a different set of issues.  Apparently, I need a bit of reprogramming!  :-)


After sharing this with my therapist, she pointed out that I have NO idea what an "ideal dad" looks like.  She challenged me to spend some time imagining that ideal dad.  Not because I need to fuel my anger at my dad.  But because I need to start learning to be an "ideal parent" to myself.  I need to learn to diffuse the anger at my past by breaking the hold it has on me.  And then maybe, it won't cause so much inner angst to gently, quietly, innocently return to my mantra!


Here are some of my thoughts about what that ideal dad would look like...

He'd come home from work and scoop me up in his arms. He would say, "I missed you SO much today.  I love you and I can't wait to hear about your day."

When he'd help with math homework, he'd say "Wow, you're so smart" when I got a problem right.  (Maybe he'd tousle my hair too)  If I was stumped, he would say "That's a tough one, let's see if we can work it through together".

If I lost a softball game, he'd come up and give me a big ol' hug and say "You played your best and I'm SO proud of you".

If I got scared, he would take me in his arms and hold me tight and whisper softly, "shhhh, you're safe, I've got you".

I would LOVE to hear your examples of an ideal dad.  I know mine are a bit "Leave it to Beaver".  But I want to start filling my bank with positive examples of how to treat myself during difficult situations.

No news is good news???

Hi there everyone.  I have been at a loss about what to say over the last few weeks.  But I need to start somewhere, so here I go...  


I had a whirlwind week when I quit.  I was in shock.  Then scared.  And then ecstatic.  But by the end of the week, two things had lined up.  The first was a potential volunteer project with one of my favorite charities.  But the second was that my company made me an offer to create my own role!!!  


After thinking about it for a few days and sleeping on it for a few nights, I came back with what I wanted...  Part-time, work-life balance (not expecting me to go above and beyond my 30 hours/week on a regular basis and limiting my travel), a shift in the projects that I worked on, and help to find a mentor within the company.  I was very excited - I was going to get the opportunity to start a few projects outside of work, but I still was going to have benefits and (partial) monetary support from my job.  


At the time, I knew in my heart that it was the right decision.  I knew it would be a struggle, but I felt very confident about the opportunity.  


And now a week has gone by and I've had no word from management.  They never got back to me last week.  And this week, they are all out of town and out of contact.  And work has been it's normal self - crazy, chaotic, and toxic.  


So, now I'm starting to doubt the decision.  I don't need an answer right away.  I know that Corporate America doesn't move quickly.  But I at least would like to know they are making progress.  I want to make sure they realize this wasn't an idle threat - I WILL NOT stay in my current role as it exists today.  Yes, I know it takes time to transition and create something new.  I want to keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel - and their silence makes me feel like I've been cast into darkness.


And I am angry.  They gave me back the ONE thing that was hardest for me to give up by quitting - SECURITY.  I got lulled back into a false sense of security.  And if it doesn't work out, I know I'm going to have to feel the strain of subduing my biggest fear again.


So there you go.  Lots of emotions.  Lots of frustration.  But the light is at the end of the tunnel.  It might be the light of unemployed.  Or it might be the light of a new way to work in Corporate America, the light of standing up for what I want - even if it is against tradition.  My fear is pulling for one light over the other.  My heart is pulling for the light that leads me to my true path.  I'll keep you posted!