Choosing happiness

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

In the past, I would have characterized myself as a "glass half-empty" type of person.  But this year, I started seeing things through a different lens.  It has been so refreshing to look at the glass and think "half-full".  However, it takes time for new habits to become completely integrated into day-to-day thinking.

Over the past few weeks, I went back to the old way of thinking.  I have been so unhappy and feeling completely stuck.  I kept thinking to myself...  

I'd be happy if... I could find a part time job. 

I'd be happy if... I found a roommate.

I'd be happy if... I didn't have to go on this business trip.

I'd be happy if... I could lose a few pounds (yes, I know that has nothing to do with things - but when I'm unhappy, the first thing I attack is my weight!). 

But putting conditions around my happiness left me disappointed and frustrated.  Seeing the glass as half-empty only left me wanting more.

So I am giving myself a gentle reminder.  I can choose to be happy with where I am today, right at this moment.  Happiness isn't something I'll achieve in the future if I can just accomplish X, Y, and Z.  I can find peace and joy in knowing that life is RIGHT NOW.

If I turn off the negativity and look at what I DO have, I realize that...

... I'm happy that I get to spend a few more weeks with my friends at work.

... I'm happy that I have time to learn and practice a new meditation technique before I leap into the unknown.

... I am happy that I'm strong enough to realize that my job is toxic and walk away from it.

... I'm happy that I have great friends who'll be by my side on this journey.

... I am happy that I have this blog as a place to share and explore my feelings.

'A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.' - Herm Albright 

The power of yoga

While yoga has been a part of my life for many years, I only recently began to grasp it's true power.  It is difficult to describe how I feel after a yoga class.  It isn't the same feeling that I get after a spin class or after getting my butt whipped from a boot camp.  I feel deep peace and contentment.  I feel happy in my head, happy in my body, happy in my heart.  This is going to sound strange, but I feel like I have this protective calm that wraps around me and protects me from the un-necessities of life.

So, here is a short history lesson...  There is evidence of yoga as early as 3000 B.C.  The word Yoga comes from the Sanskrit word "Yuj" meaning to yoke, join or unite. This implies joining or integrating all aspects of the individual - body with mind and mind with soul - to achieve a happy, balanced and useful life, and spiritually, uniting the individual with the supreme.

But, what is yoga actually doing to make me feel the way I do?  With any physical activity, respiration and circulation in body are increased.  This effects the lymphatic system and helps draw out toxins. So on physiological level, the physical activity of yoga detoxes the body.  When you couple this with deep and rhythmic breathing, it has an influence on the parasympathetic nervous system.  It helps to align the mind and the body so that you stay calm and focused.  So it's physically stimulating but mentally grounding.  That is why I walk out of a yoga class feeling alive but centered.

Of course, it didn't happen over night.  When I first started going to my yoga studio, my inner perfectionist and my inner critic joined me.  They compared me to the more advanced students.  Or they looked for praise when they felt I was "doing a good job".  But, that isn't what yoga is about.  It is not a race or a competition.  It is not about struggle...  instead, it's about surrender.  It's about embracing where your body is today.  That was a hard and slow lesson to learn, but the calm and silence that now accompany my yoga practice are completely worth it.

If you haven't tried yoga, I highly recommend it.  And beware, it's addictive.  I never thought I'd say this - but give me yoga any day instead of a slice of chocolate cake, a glass of red wine, or a new pair of designer shoes!

Earthquakes

I've come up with a little analogy...  I'm like house that was built on a fault line in California.  The house has a beautiful view and lots of room, but it wasn't built to withstand the "earthquakes" that come from my job.  For many years, I kept telling myself that I just needed to build a stronger house.  But Albert Einstein said, 

"Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."  

After braving too many earthquakes and letting my inner critic run free (making me feel bad for not being able to climb a tree), I decided it was time to MOVE house!  It was so freeing to realize that I didn't need to change myself to fit this job, instead I needed to find the perfect job to fit me!  As a fish, I'm much more suited to SWIM than to climb trees!!  :-)

I had so much confidence in my path, that I forgot to plan for the possibility that an earthquake would hit before I could move out of the house!  And guess what, this week has turned into a MAJOR earthquake at work.  And I am sad and frustrated.

One of the difficult lessons to learn in life is to just let yourself be sad or frustrated.  No one likes to feel sad.  We feel uncomfortable encouraging the anger that accompanies frustration.  We think life should always be smiles and happiness.

When I feel sad or frustrated, my first reaction is to try and fix it.  And sometimes, there is a solution.  But in this situation, there is nothing to fix.  I am not ready to quit, so I need to stay put.  This answer doesn't make me "feel better"...

So my second reaction is to beat myself up for getting into this situation.  I am so STUPID for not being good at climbing trees.  Everyone else can climb trees, why can't I?!?  And on top of being stupid, I can't even execute my "escape" plan.  The inner critic loves to rant and rave.

And sometimes the people around us aren't much help either.  Friends want to "help" by giving advice, telling us how they would handle the situation.  But their misguided wisdom, while well meaning, just reiterates the fact that we aren't handling the situation very well.  Or it keeps us searching for a solution that might not exist.

It would be so easy to find a way to numb these feelings.  Eat a cookie.  Go online and shop.  Have a glass of wine.  Just make the feelings disappear.  Shove them into a dark corner and ignore them.

But in these situations, there is no easy fix.  You can't wave a magic wand and make the bad feelings go away.  And it is fruitless to spend time ignoring the feelings or trying to make them disappear.  They'll still be there, waiting to be felt, no matter how long you try to ignore them.

In these situations, there are three things that help me:

1. Breathing.  Taking in a few deep breaths helps to calm me down and bring me back to the present moment.  It's simple and effective.
2. Positive self talk.  I say to myself is...  It's OK.  I believe in you.  You can do this.
3. Gratitude.  Finding a few things to be thankful for helps me to focus on the positive, instead of freaking out about the negative.

Well, I'm headed back to the earthquake.  I'm not happy about it, but I know it won't ruin me.  Breathe in peace, breathe out peace.  I can do this.  I am grateful for you readers out there, for being there to "listen".  :-)

A few good words

Today I found a new blog that has really lifted my spirits.

http://www.abeautifulrippleeffect.com/

After reading a few of her blogs, I was inspired to search out a few inspirational quotes.  I love quotes!  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!  :-)

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.  Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal."  - Pamela Vaull Starr

"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll

A little tantrum :-)

Last Friday, I would have bet money that I'd be writing today to tell you I was quitting.  It was the second weekend for my meditation course...  and I thought I was going to walk away enlightened and emboldened to Q-U-I-T.  However, that isn't how things turned out.

And what surprised me is how MAD I am that I'm not quitting today.  Yes, I know it is silly to be mad at myself for something that I have complete control over.  But that doesn't make the frustration go away. 

I am worn out from working in a toxic work environment.  I want to be clear - I'm not blaming my company.  There is nothing wrong with the company; it is a culture that just doesn't work for me.  I do not flourish in it's environment... in fact, I feel myself wilting quickly.  I'm like a flower planted in a pot that is too small and doesn't get enough sunlight.

I am ready to leave.  And I'm tired of waiting for the right moment.  The kid inside me wants to pitch a fit - stomp my feet and pout until I get my way.  I want a magic wand that will obliterate my less than ideal conditions and leave me with a surplus of worry-free time.  Is that too much to ask?!?

The adult in me knows that it isn't smart or responsible to run away right now.  I know I need to make sure I'm running toward something when I leave.  I know the stars and the moon don't need to perfectly align.  But, they do need to get a little closer.  So for now, I am still employed.

But just for today, I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk a little.  I'm in a difficult place in life and this journey isn't easy.  So I'm going to stomp my feet a little and maybe shed a tear or two.

Tomorrow is a new day...

E-day

When I first declared my plan to "escape" Corporate America, I picked April 20 to be the "E-Day" or "Escape Day".  On that day, I would hand in my 2-weeks notice and be free. 

Yes, April 20 is five days away.  And no, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Since deciding that I would quit, I've been waiting for a sign that it was actually time to do it...  If I found a roommate or part-time job, I would feel better about my financial situation.  If I was inspired to go back to school or if I found my "perfect" job, I would have a "good" reason to quit.  If, if, if...

I kept looking outside myself for permission to quit.  I wanted the universe to give me a big flashing sign.  I wanted God to speak to me in a booming voice.

Unfortunately, that doesn't fit with the spirit of this whole adventure!  The answer isn't out there.  It is inside me.  It isn't going to scream to get my attention.  It is sitting in the quiet, in the stillness. 

Today, I woke up and knew it was time to be bold.  But right now, I can give you 50 reasons why I should stay a little while longer.  I'm beginning to wonder if each reason is just a message to myself that says "I don't trust you". 

What if I just trusted myself?  What if I quit without any idea how it will turnout?  Why don't I tap into the depths of courage that exist in my heart, trust myself, and just LEAP?

I'll keep you posted on the answers...

WWOWKD?

I'm currently reading "Taking the Leap" by Pema Chodron.  It is a wonderful book about freeing ourselves from old habits and fears.  In the chapter I just finished, she talks about remaining open when things are uncomfortable.

It is hard to sit with uncertainty.  But, life isn't predictable - so over the years, we develop a toolbox of ways to "deal" with the uncertainty.  Or sometimes, we just go out of our way to avoid the really difficult decisions.

For some people, it might mean numbing their feelings with food or drink or shopping or TV.  For others, it might mean staying in a bad marriage.  For me, I've stayed in Corporate America because I was too afraid of the unknown.  How can I leave my cushy job when I'm not 100% certain how it will turn out?  Better the devil you know, right?

Yesterday after yoga, I talked with one of my favorite instructors.  She left the corporate world over a year ago and peace and happiness just ooze from her.  She reminded me that I might need to leap without having every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed.  Could I do really do that?  Could I just trust that I'm making the right decision and quit without a roommate or job lined up??  My soul longs for that freedom.  But my fear keeps me focused on processing endless barriers to that freedom!

In her book, Pema gives a great example with her grandson Pete, who is a big Star Wars fan.  One day when he was upset, she asked him, "Pete, what would Obi-Wan Kenobi do?"  As he contemplated the question, he sat up straight and started smiling - suddenly manifesting as a powerful person who trusted in himself.

Pete was 7 and the effect only lasted for a few moments.  But, WOW!!  What a powerful example!  When things get uncomfortable, maybe we should ask yourselves WWOWKD, What Would Obi-Wan Kenobi Do?  And maybe, just for a moment, we can tap into that place of inner trust and power instead of letting the discomfort overwhelm us.

So every day this week, I'm going to stop and ask myself WWOWKD.  And maybe the moments of fear will decrease and the voice of love will increase.

The Choice for Love
(Emmanuel's Book II)

What does the voice of fear whisper to you?

Fear speaks to you in logic and reason.
It assumes the language of love itself.

Fear tells you, "I want to make you safe."
Love says, "You are safe."

Fear says, "Give me symbols. Give me frozen images. Give me something I can rely on."

Loving truth says, "Only give me this moment."

Fear would walk you on a narrow path promising to take you where you want to go.

Love says, "Open your arms and fly with me."

Every moment in your life you are offered the opportunity to choose - love or fear, to tread the earth or soar the heavens.