Smelling the roses...

A good friend of mine has a hamster for a pet.  Her name is Penny.  She recently found out that a local pet store was going to sponsor a Hamster Ball Derby.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Hamster.  Ball.  Derby!  It makes me laugh out loud when I visualize lots of little hamster balls weaving across the floor and bouncing off bags of dog food.  :-)


So, I have a mind that likes to think and process and think and process... and then think and process some more!  Some people like to refer to that as the hamster wheel in their mind.  I sometimes feel like the hamster in my mind is running in her wheel on a treadmill set at maximum speed.  She is very stylish and wears cute matching wrist and headbands to keep the sweat away.  But she spends the majority of my waking hours thinking and processing, pounding away on the treadmill.  Forget the Hamster Ball Derby, she could be a Hamster Ultra-Marathoner!


Actually, that over-active mind is one of the culprits that got me into this predicament to start with.  I was always beating myself up about the past OR being anxious about the future.  I never really stopped and gave my mind a break.  I never really got to know myself.  I just hopped on the treadmill and ran.  And like Forrest Gump, I just kept running.  BUT, I ran myself right into a lifestyle that was making me miserable.


Over the last year, I came to recognize the power of mindfulness, being completely present in the moment.  It gives my hamster time to hop off the treadmill and smell the roses.  And it gives me time to get in touch with my inner wisdom, that often speaks too quietly to be heard over the noise of a treadmill.

But while I'm thinking through my "escape from Corporate America" plan, I have a hard time finding balance.  It is hard to know when to put my hamster on the treadmill and let her do her thing....  She is great at doing things like brainstorming options, calculating a budget, etc.  But I have to keep that side of me in check.  When she's huffing and puffing on the treadmill, I can't relax and really examine my path.


So each day, I move a step closer to the right balance.  My old way of doing things won't work for this mission!  I'm embracing new ways of relaxing... yoga, cooking a healthy meal, or just sitting in the sun and breathing deeply.  I'm learning patience and (slowly) accepting that my path will unfold on it's own time, not at my rushed pace.  


And best of all, I'm realizing how much more enjoyable life can be when you stop and smell the roses!  :-)  

Pom Poms + Potstickers

I had lunch today with a lovely friend at my favorite Chinese restaurant.  I always love spending time with her.  We met through work, but I'm happy to say we're friends even when work doesn't bring us together. 


She was excited to hear about my new blog.  But she had expected it to be funny and lighthearted because I generally have a collection of funny stories to share, especially about my romantic escapades (which would make for a very funny blog).  So, it struck her out of the blue that I'm looking to make such big and serious changes. 

While she was initially concerned, she quickly became my biggest cheerleader.  I used to think the purpose of cheerleaders were to entertain male spectators during sporting events.  OK, that might still be the case for the NFL cheerleaders.  But, it reminded me of my cheerleading days back in 5th and 6th grade.  I really believed my job was to cheer on the football players to victory!  And let me tell you, having my friend as a cheerleader today made me confident that my hail mary pass would be run back for a touchdown!

I walked back to work with a happy belly full of Chinese food.  And I felt like someone had taken a bit of extra sunshine and placed it inside my heart.  What a magnificent testament to the power of friendship! 

So when I got home tonight, I googled "power of friendship" and found this article:

http://life.gaiam.com/article/power-friendship

It sited sources of research that friendship actually makes us healthier:  lowering stress and blood pressure, decreasing cholesterol, increasing progesterone levels  (which apparently promotes well-being), and even increasing our longevity.  I'm such a geek, I love it when science proves something like this!

Hopefully this blog (and the article) will remind you of someone special in your life... someone whose friendship is improving your health!  Be sure to give them a big ol' hug next time you see them!!  I am very thankful to my lunch buddy, who added an extra ray of joy into my day.  Thank you for reminding me to keep a big smile on my face because everything is going to work out fabulously for me!

ps - my fortune cookie said "The star of riches will shine on you beginning next month".  I can't wait!

There's nothing to hold on to

Well folks, that first post came to me at New Years.   I thought it was a fitting start to my blog.  But, it's been 4 months since I wrote it.  And when I look back at those words, I'm shocked they came out of my mouth.

I began an amazing re-birth at the end of 2010 with great intentions for 2011.  But once I got back into the swing of my day-to-day corporate life, those intentions got set on the back burner.  Until recently...

This past weekend, I started a wonderful journey, a special meditation course at my yoga studio.  When I read the description, the words jumped right off the computer screen and into my heart.  "Powerful tools for self-transformation”,  "You... long for deeper connection and experience", "Restore the memory of one's own true nature ".

As the course approached, I started to get a little nervous.  OK, a LOT nervous.  This was "advanced" training.  Was I about to jump into the deep-end of the pool, wearing no floaties, only knowing how to dog paddle??

But I knew, deep inside, that I was supposed to take this course.  So, I was surprised when halfway through the first day, my heart was gripped with fear.  We're not talking, "Oh, I'm scared".  We're talking, "Holy shit!!!  I feel like something has a vise grip on my heart".

We did partner yoga, which I hadn’t had issues with before.  But this was more real, the touch was kind, the eye contact was supportive.  My heart was POUNDING through my chest!  

I was the only one without an established meditation practice.  A critical voice in my mind kept saying "you don't belong here", "you aren't good enough", "you're in over your head", "you made a mistake".  

And the squeezing on my heart just got tighter.

Many of my old demons, that I thought were long gone, came running back into my life.  This wasn't supposed to happen, was it?!?!

But after some journaling and self-talk, I was excited for the second day.  And I began to wash off some of the mud that had accumulated on that heart whose words were so profound at New Years.  And inside, I saw a bright light shining.  I knew that I had the courage to step forward and embrace the brilliance inside me.  And it wasn't just about leaving my job.  It was something so much bigger, something that I can't realize or grasp at this moment.

While the idea of re-birth came from inside, I had only been letting it live in my head.  I hadn't fully transferred it to my heart.  And it's easy to rationalize things inside your head.  But your heart doesn't lie.  

The course instructor said...  Birth is messy.  Birth is painful.  You have to bear down hard to birth the future.  Birth brings a miracle that never existed before.

I have been the expectant mother, excited about the new "child" incubating inside.  And I’ve reached the last few weeks of “pregnancy” when you suddenly realize that there is a long, painful labor ahead, many dirty diapers, and quite a few sleepless nights.  But there is also the joy of creating something new.  The joy of purity.  The joy of bliss.  The joy of knowing my true nature and embracing my brilliance!

And Marilyn Ferguson so wonderfully put my feelings into words, “It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear…  It’s like being between trapezes.  It’s Linus when his blanket is the dryer.  There’s nothing to hold on to.”

So here I go.  Wheeeeeeeeeee!

2010: The Year of the Lotus, 2011: The Year of Me

Who knew that getting a lotus flower tattoo at the end of 2009 would foreshadow the year to come?  

A lotus flower is often used as an example of divine beauty.  Its unfolding petals suggest the expansion of the soul.  The growth of its pure beauty from the mud of its origin holds a benign spiritual promise.  Confucian scholar Zhou Dunyi wrote:  "I love the lotus because while growing from mud, it is unstained". 

At the beginning of 2010, I was living in the mud.  I might have been closer to the surface than I had been in the past, but I was still suffocating from the mud.  I could not see myself as divinely beautiful.  In fact, all I could see was an awful mess.  

Until 2010, I had chosen people (and been born to parents) who did not know how to celebrate the beauty within themselves or appreciate the beauty within me.  I only knew criticism in my endless pursuit for perfection.  And by the spring of 2010, I was tired to my core.  It was my therapist's wise wisdom that asked me, do you want to finally get off this treadmill that is taking you nowhere and making you miserable?

From that moment forward, I have slowly shed the exhausting weight that I was carrying around.  Many women know these weights - never being happy with where you are - pushing to be more successful, more skinny, more lovable.  

As I did this, I surrounded myself with wonderful women.  Women who believed in me, when I couldn't believe in myself.  Who encouraged me, when I didn't want to take the next step forward.  Who held up a mirror and said, "please see the beauty in yourself that I can see in you".  And the lotus slowly crept through the mud.

It is unfortunate to say, but the final breakthrough came when my mom uttered words to me that a mother should never say to her daughter.  "Smetimes you make it difficult for me to love you."  My dad always had the power to wound, but hearing it from my mom finally broke me...  

And through the mud of the words, I arose, unstained, as a divinely beautiful lotus.

So world, hear me sing!  I am perfect and wonderful and whole today, just as I am.  I have everything that I need today.  I don't need to keep running on the treadmill of perfectionism, chasing a carrot that is unreachable and unsatisfying.  I am perfectly imperfect.  I have peace, contentment, and joy.

A word of gracious appreciation to the women who journeyed this path with me.  You lovingly coaxed me through the muck and held my hand as I slowly bloomed and recognized my divinely beautiful self.  There are not enough words to express my gratitude.  The joy of being freed from the mud is priceless.  You have a very sacred place in my heart... a place that is filled with gratitude and love.

And as 2010 ends, the Year of Me begins...