It's all becoming foggy...

One of the things that has driven me along this journey is the constant belief that I have all of the answers inside me.  That there is an "inner Kim" who is supremely wise.  And if I listen to her quiet whisperings, I will find my true calling.


My analytical brain used to believe this "inner Kim" held a map and if I could just find a flashlight, I would be able to see the plan for my future.  Honestly, that's what I thought meditation was going to do - shine a flashlight on a detailed map of my future.  Holy smokes, was I wrong!?!  


My "inner Kim" does have a map - but it isn't legible to my eyes.  And right now, all she is telling me is that I'm in the right place.  She is asking me to trust her.  And she is reminding me to enjoy the moment.  


As you can imagine, the "type A" side of my personality is a little uncomfortable with that.  Wouldn't it be better to have a plan?  Shouldn't I be doing more?!?  If I just knew exactly where I was going, I would be able to be more prepared when I get there!


 Here is a quote from Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth":

The mind is more comfortable in a landscaped park because it has been planned through thought; it is not grown organically.  There is an order here that the mind can understand.  In the forest, there is an incomprehensible order that to the mind looks like chaos.  It is beyond the mental categories of good and bad.  You cannot understand it through thought, but you can sense it when you let go of thought, become still and alert, and don't try to understand or explain.  Only then can you be aware of the sacredness of the forest.  As soon as you sense that hidden harmony, that sacredness, you realize you are not separate from it, and when you realize that, you become a conscious participant in it.

I've been fighting this lesson.  I thought all I needed to do was let go of my fear.  But I also need to let go of my desire to control every step along the way.  I need to recognize the sacredness of this journey, instead of worrying about the chaos.  Just because I can't see the future doesn't mean that I'm not on the right path.  


Life isn't a manicured garden.  It is a wild forest... which sounds like a much more exciting place to be.  

A fitting follow-up

I love the blog, "The Daily Love"!  Mastin's words always kick-start my day off right.  And today's post was a great follow-up to my ramblings from yesterday...


http://thedailylove.com/allow-yourself-to-open-up-be-brand-new-today/

Here's the juiciest bit...

When we meet the journey of life with a new mind, in every moment we begin to step into it’s magic. (...)  Let us make it our intention to set out on the journey of life today with the new mind of a child. Not throwing away what we’ve learned, but learning to reinterpret what we’ve been through so that it serves us moving forward, rather than holding us back. Let us meet the journey from a curious, humble, yet empowered point of view that turns disaster into grace, rejection into protection and crisis into opportunity.

:-)  I hope that inspires you too!
  

Roller coasters...

Hello all!!  Happy Friday!

This is my first week of my new part-time schedule!  So this afternoon, I've been at Starbucks - doing a little research into some opportunities, reading a little, and enjoying the buzz of the coffeehouse.  

I was reflecting on how everything turned out... and I started thinking about roller coasters.  If I were to describe my journey to this place, I would say it was a roller coaster.  It had its ups, some of the downs made me feel like I was losing my stomach, the hairpin turns were unexpected, and it was pretty darn scary.

But, I love roller coasters.  I'm the one who rides with her hands up, screaming with glee the whole time!    What happened here?!?

Looking back, I white-knuckled this journey.  I didn't enjoy it fully - I got so caught up in fear and worry.  Of course, that is understandable.  I'm not beating myself up here.  I was making a pretty big change - so I needed a little bit of fear and worry to make sure I wasn't flying off the handle.  But maybe I could have relaxed a little bit more.

Just recently, I had some news that frustrated me - a new struggle that I needed to tackle.  My first reaction was the white-knuckle approach...  But I was talking about it with my trainer and she had great wisdom.  She told me she looks forward to those types of "struggles" - she welcomes them and sees them as opportunities to grow and learn.

WOW!  What a great perspective!  What would happen if I started to approach my life with that perspective?  I tell myself that I'm happy with my life because I know that it is exactly as it should be.  But do I really LIVE that truth?  

Maybe every once in a while, I can let go of the handlebars on this ride we call life.  The fear and worry can be like the safety belt on the ride.  If I know that, maybe I can RELAX into it and enjoy the ups and downs with a smile!  :-)

I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th!!

50% effort, 50% surrender

In yoga last tonight, during a pose that was pushing my hamstrings to their edge, the instructor said "Remember, it's 50% effort and 50% surrender."  My first thought was "phew, I can back off from 100% effort!!"  And then it struck me, 50% surrender?!?  How does that fit??

In the past, it was very easy for me to slip into an "all-or-nothing" outlook on life.  If I can't do it perfectly, I might as well not do it all.  For a long time, I ignored this trait in myself.  I would glibly say... "but that's what makes me great at my job".  I couldn't visualize a different way of being, so I would swing between 0% or 100% in everything.  Friendships, work, recovery, etc.

But my desire to make a life change has made me find a new way to operate.  For months, I obsessed about finding a new job.  I spent hundreds of dollars on a life coach.  I tried to manage the fear.  I tried to control the outcome.  But in the end, it was my surrender that opened the path forward.

But even after the surrender, even after the next step on my path has come into focus... there is still a little inner voice that keeps saying, you need to be DOING something.  You can't just sit there.

Well, that voice is using the old "all-or-nothing" way of viewing things.  Since I'm not spenidng 100% of my effort on finding my new, aboslutely perfect path, I must be doing absolutely nothing.  But that is WRONG. 

50% effort...  It isn't about obsessively planning.  But it also isn't about waiting for the perfect opportunity to just fall into my lap.  It's about doing the work that needs to be done.  I am learning to listen to and trust my inner guidance.  I am putting myself in new situations.  I moving towards consciousness and away from my ego-driven, never-ending, obsessive thoughts.  I'm surrounding myself with fellow lovers of life.

50% surrender...  This is new territory for me.  So I work daily to surrender the thoughts of fear and criticism.  I'm diving deep, keeping myself open for more possibilities... and I'm expecting the world!!

And last night in the class, I surrendered into the deep stretch.  I let go of the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders... and found that I could go a little deeper.  Amazing!  When I backed off, I found that I had a little more stretch to give!  A good lesson...

It Is I Who Must Begin

A poem for today...

It Is I Who Must Begin

It is I who must begin.
Once I begin, once I try --
here and now,
right where I am,
not excusing myself
by saying things
would be easier elsewhere,
without grand speeches and
ostentatious gestures,
but all the more persistently
-- to live in harmony
with the "voice of Being," as I
understand it within myself
-- as soon as I begin that,
I suddenly discover,
to my surprise, that
I am neither the only one,
nor the first,
nor the most important one
to have set out
upon that road.

Whether all is really lost
or not depends entirely on
whether or not I am lost.

~ Vaclav Havel ~

A quote

I just read this quote and it made me smile.  I thought it was appropriate...

“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn’t conspire against you, but it doesn’t go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it’s important to you and you want to do it “eventually,” just do it and correct course along the way.” ~Tim Ferriss, from The 4-Hour Workweek

Welcoming chaos

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."  - Friedrich Nietzsche

I friend sent me a card with that quote recently.  And while I understood it, I didn't really GET it at first.  However, the universe is slowly teaching me.  :-)

It's coming on 4 weeks since I "quit" and I still have no clue how things are going to shake out.

:-)  A little bit of chaos here.
I am ready to get started in a new part-time role with my company.  But now that I decided to stay, I dropped lower on their priority list and everything is in a strange limbo.  I know I'm going to work part-time, but I don't know how many hours that means.  I know it's going to be a different role, but no one is clear on what it will entail.  And I don't feel any real urgency to get answers to any of those questions.

:-)  A little bit of chaos there.
I am ready to get started on the volunteer project outside of work, but it isn't as definite as I thought.  The person who sold me on it isn't the person in charge, so when I said "I'm ready", her reaction wasn't "let's get started!!!"  It was more, "oh, um, I'll have to talk to so-and-so first and see if there is anyone else working on it".

:-)  A little bit of chaos everywhere.
You'll get a laugh out of my emotions.  You know how last week I was scared of losing my security if the part-time job didn't pan out.  Well, after it became evident that the part-time job was going to come through, I got upset about losing the potential freedom.  My emotions can't seem to make up their mind! 

But there is one thing that has been constant.  The inner knowledge that I'm doing the right thing.  I heard the voice say "make a change".  And after much worry and planning and more worry and a lot of fear, I trusted the voice and made the first step.  Now comes the chaos.  :-)

So why the smiles?  Chaos isn't fun, is it??  Here is a quote from Mastin Kipp and his blog, "The Daily Love":

See the opportunity instead of the fear; decide that you have the power to not only make the best of this situation, but to actually make a better life for yourself BECAUSE of this situation.  For your dreams to come true it's vital that you learn to be flexible enough to adapt to and make the best of change. In fact, don't just make the best of change and the unexpected, get EXCITED by it!

And when I look in my heart, that is how I feel, EXCITED!  Of course, my brain wants to react to the chaos.  That's normal.  But I want to keep my focus in my heart.  Because my heart knows what's best, it's where my dreams live.  And I have no doubt I'm heading to fertile soil... to make my dreams grow and come to life!