Choosing happiness

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

In the past, I would have characterized myself as a "glass half-empty" type of person.  But this year, I started seeing things through a different lens.  It has been so refreshing to look at the glass and think "half-full".  However, it takes time for new habits to become completely integrated into day-to-day thinking.

Over the past few weeks, I went back to the old way of thinking.  I have been so unhappy and feeling completely stuck.  I kept thinking to myself...  

I'd be happy if... I could find a part time job. 

I'd be happy if... I found a roommate.

I'd be happy if... I didn't have to go on this business trip.

I'd be happy if... I could lose a few pounds (yes, I know that has nothing to do with things - but when I'm unhappy, the first thing I attack is my weight!). 

But putting conditions around my happiness left me disappointed and frustrated.  Seeing the glass as half-empty only left me wanting more.

So I am giving myself a gentle reminder.  I can choose to be happy with where I am today, right at this moment.  Happiness isn't something I'll achieve in the future if I can just accomplish X, Y, and Z.  I can find peace and joy in knowing that life is RIGHT NOW.

If I turn off the negativity and look at what I DO have, I realize that...

... I'm happy that I get to spend a few more weeks with my friends at work.

... I'm happy that I have time to learn and practice a new meditation technique before I leap into the unknown.

... I am happy that I'm strong enough to realize that my job is toxic and walk away from it.

... I'm happy that I have great friends who'll be by my side on this journey.

... I am happy that I have this blog as a place to share and explore my feelings.

'A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.' - Herm Albright 

The power of yoga

While yoga has been a part of my life for many years, I only recently began to grasp it's true power.  It is difficult to describe how I feel after a yoga class.  It isn't the same feeling that I get after a spin class or after getting my butt whipped from a boot camp.  I feel deep peace and contentment.  I feel happy in my head, happy in my body, happy in my heart.  This is going to sound strange, but I feel like I have this protective calm that wraps around me and protects me from the un-necessities of life.

So, here is a short history lesson...  There is evidence of yoga as early as 3000 B.C.  The word Yoga comes from the Sanskrit word "Yuj" meaning to yoke, join or unite. This implies joining or integrating all aspects of the individual - body with mind and mind with soul - to achieve a happy, balanced and useful life, and spiritually, uniting the individual with the supreme.

But, what is yoga actually doing to make me feel the way I do?  With any physical activity, respiration and circulation in body are increased.  This effects the lymphatic system and helps draw out toxins. So on physiological level, the physical activity of yoga detoxes the body.  When you couple this with deep and rhythmic breathing, it has an influence on the parasympathetic nervous system.  It helps to align the mind and the body so that you stay calm and focused.  So it's physically stimulating but mentally grounding.  That is why I walk out of a yoga class feeling alive but centered.

Of course, it didn't happen over night.  When I first started going to my yoga studio, my inner perfectionist and my inner critic joined me.  They compared me to the more advanced students.  Or they looked for praise when they felt I was "doing a good job".  But, that isn't what yoga is about.  It is not a race or a competition.  It is not about struggle...  instead, it's about surrender.  It's about embracing where your body is today.  That was a hard and slow lesson to learn, but the calm and silence that now accompany my yoga practice are completely worth it.

If you haven't tried yoga, I highly recommend it.  And beware, it's addictive.  I never thought I'd say this - but give me yoga any day instead of a slice of chocolate cake, a glass of red wine, or a new pair of designer shoes!

Earthquakes

I've come up with a little analogy...  I'm like house that was built on a fault line in California.  The house has a beautiful view and lots of room, but it wasn't built to withstand the "earthquakes" that come from my job.  For many years, I kept telling myself that I just needed to build a stronger house.  But Albert Einstein said, 

"Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."  

After braving too many earthquakes and letting my inner critic run free (making me feel bad for not being able to climb a tree), I decided it was time to MOVE house!  It was so freeing to realize that I didn't need to change myself to fit this job, instead I needed to find the perfect job to fit me!  As a fish, I'm much more suited to SWIM than to climb trees!!  :-)

I had so much confidence in my path, that I forgot to plan for the possibility that an earthquake would hit before I could move out of the house!  And guess what, this week has turned into a MAJOR earthquake at work.  And I am sad and frustrated.

One of the difficult lessons to learn in life is to just let yourself be sad or frustrated.  No one likes to feel sad.  We feel uncomfortable encouraging the anger that accompanies frustration.  We think life should always be smiles and happiness.

When I feel sad or frustrated, my first reaction is to try and fix it.  And sometimes, there is a solution.  But in this situation, there is nothing to fix.  I am not ready to quit, so I need to stay put.  This answer doesn't make me "feel better"...

So my second reaction is to beat myself up for getting into this situation.  I am so STUPID for not being good at climbing trees.  Everyone else can climb trees, why can't I?!?  And on top of being stupid, I can't even execute my "escape" plan.  The inner critic loves to rant and rave.

And sometimes the people around us aren't much help either.  Friends want to "help" by giving advice, telling us how they would handle the situation.  But their misguided wisdom, while well meaning, just reiterates the fact that we aren't handling the situation very well.  Or it keeps us searching for a solution that might not exist.

It would be so easy to find a way to numb these feelings.  Eat a cookie.  Go online and shop.  Have a glass of wine.  Just make the feelings disappear.  Shove them into a dark corner and ignore them.

But in these situations, there is no easy fix.  You can't wave a magic wand and make the bad feelings go away.  And it is fruitless to spend time ignoring the feelings or trying to make them disappear.  They'll still be there, waiting to be felt, no matter how long you try to ignore them.

In these situations, there are three things that help me:

1. Breathing.  Taking in a few deep breaths helps to calm me down and bring me back to the present moment.  It's simple and effective.
2. Positive self talk.  I say to myself is...  It's OK.  I believe in you.  You can do this.
3. Gratitude.  Finding a few things to be thankful for helps me to focus on the positive, instead of freaking out about the negative.

Well, I'm headed back to the earthquake.  I'm not happy about it, but I know it won't ruin me.  Breathe in peace, breathe out peace.  I can do this.  I am grateful for you readers out there, for being there to "listen".  :-)

A few good words

Today I found a new blog that has really lifted my spirits.

http://www.abeautifulrippleeffect.com/

After reading a few of her blogs, I was inspired to search out a few inspirational quotes.  I love quotes!  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!  :-)

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.  Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal."  - Pamela Vaull Starr

"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll

A little tantrum :-)

Last Friday, I would have bet money that I'd be writing today to tell you I was quitting.  It was the second weekend for my meditation course...  and I thought I was going to walk away enlightened and emboldened to Q-U-I-T.  However, that isn't how things turned out.

And what surprised me is how MAD I am that I'm not quitting today.  Yes, I know it is silly to be mad at myself for something that I have complete control over.  But that doesn't make the frustration go away. 

I am worn out from working in a toxic work environment.  I want to be clear - I'm not blaming my company.  There is nothing wrong with the company; it is a culture that just doesn't work for me.  I do not flourish in it's environment... in fact, I feel myself wilting quickly.  I'm like a flower planted in a pot that is too small and doesn't get enough sunlight.

I am ready to leave.  And I'm tired of waiting for the right moment.  The kid inside me wants to pitch a fit - stomp my feet and pout until I get my way.  I want a magic wand that will obliterate my less than ideal conditions and leave me with a surplus of worry-free time.  Is that too much to ask?!?

The adult in me knows that it isn't smart or responsible to run away right now.  I know I need to make sure I'm running toward something when I leave.  I know the stars and the moon don't need to perfectly align.  But, they do need to get a little closer.  So for now, I am still employed.

But just for today, I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk a little.  I'm in a difficult place in life and this journey isn't easy.  So I'm going to stomp my feet a little and maybe shed a tear or two.

Tomorrow is a new day...

E-day

When I first declared my plan to "escape" Corporate America, I picked April 20 to be the "E-Day" or "Escape Day".  On that day, I would hand in my 2-weeks notice and be free. 

Yes, April 20 is five days away.  And no, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Since deciding that I would quit, I've been waiting for a sign that it was actually time to do it...  If I found a roommate or part-time job, I would feel better about my financial situation.  If I was inspired to go back to school or if I found my "perfect" job, I would have a "good" reason to quit.  If, if, if...

I kept looking outside myself for permission to quit.  I wanted the universe to give me a big flashing sign.  I wanted God to speak to me in a booming voice.

Unfortunately, that doesn't fit with the spirit of this whole adventure!  The answer isn't out there.  It is inside me.  It isn't going to scream to get my attention.  It is sitting in the quiet, in the stillness. 

Today, I woke up and knew it was time to be bold.  But right now, I can give you 50 reasons why I should stay a little while longer.  I'm beginning to wonder if each reason is just a message to myself that says "I don't trust you". 

What if I just trusted myself?  What if I quit without any idea how it will turnout?  Why don't I tap into the depths of courage that exist in my heart, trust myself, and just LEAP?

I'll keep you posted on the answers...

WWOWKD?

I'm currently reading "Taking the Leap" by Pema Chodron.  It is a wonderful book about freeing ourselves from old habits and fears.  In the chapter I just finished, she talks about remaining open when things are uncomfortable.

It is hard to sit with uncertainty.  But, life isn't predictable - so over the years, we develop a toolbox of ways to "deal" with the uncertainty.  Or sometimes, we just go out of our way to avoid the really difficult decisions.

For some people, it might mean numbing their feelings with food or drink or shopping or TV.  For others, it might mean staying in a bad marriage.  For me, I've stayed in Corporate America because I was too afraid of the unknown.  How can I leave my cushy job when I'm not 100% certain how it will turn out?  Better the devil you know, right?

Yesterday after yoga, I talked with one of my favorite instructors.  She left the corporate world over a year ago and peace and happiness just ooze from her.  She reminded me that I might need to leap without having every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed.  Could I do really do that?  Could I just trust that I'm making the right decision and quit without a roommate or job lined up??  My soul longs for that freedom.  But my fear keeps me focused on processing endless barriers to that freedom!

In her book, Pema gives a great example with her grandson Pete, who is a big Star Wars fan.  One day when he was upset, she asked him, "Pete, what would Obi-Wan Kenobi do?"  As he contemplated the question, he sat up straight and started smiling - suddenly manifesting as a powerful person who trusted in himself.

Pete was 7 and the effect only lasted for a few moments.  But, WOW!!  What a powerful example!  When things get uncomfortable, maybe we should ask yourselves WWOWKD, What Would Obi-Wan Kenobi Do?  And maybe, just for a moment, we can tap into that place of inner trust and power instead of letting the discomfort overwhelm us.

So every day this week, I'm going to stop and ask myself WWOWKD.  And maybe the moments of fear will decrease and the voice of love will increase.

The Choice for Love
(Emmanuel's Book II)

What does the voice of fear whisper to you?

Fear speaks to you in logic and reason.
It assumes the language of love itself.

Fear tells you, "I want to make you safe."
Love says, "You are safe."

Fear says, "Give me symbols. Give me frozen images. Give me something I can rely on."

Loving truth says, "Only give me this moment."

Fear would walk you on a narrow path promising to take you where you want to go.

Love says, "Open your arms and fly with me."

Every moment in your life you are offered the opportunity to choose - love or fear, to tread the earth or soar the heavens.

Gratitude

I am such a lucky person!  I am surrounded by great people who love and support me on this journey.  After reading my last post, a friend sent me the following quote by Rumi:

“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you”.

Yesterday, I was starting to feel like I was beating a dead horse - with post after post about how hard it is to sit with the uncertainty on this path.  It was wonderful to receive the quote because it made me realize that you guys get it!  :-)  It was just what I needed!


I am so grateful for you, my friend! 

Patience

A little background...  When dreaming of potential new jobs, there are a few ideas that always get me excited.  Somewhere on that list, after "personal assistant to Michael Franti" and "cast member on Glee", I think working in a vets office or teaching math for middle school girls would be pretty awesome.

One option in my "escape from Corporate America plan" is to find a job that would allow me more freedom to spend time creating my new career.  And this past weekend, there it was - the perfect option!  Receptionist at a veterinary office down the street from my place!!

I can't tell you how happy it made me!  I started dreaming of owning a Boston Terrier puppy and bringing it into the office with me.  I could lunch on Tempeh Reuben sandwiches at my favorite local vegetarian restaurant.  I wouldn't spend so much time in rush hour traffic.  Ah, bliss!

There was a small catch... I'm completely under-qualified as a receptionist.  And completely over-qualified in many other areas.  But, I didn't let that hold me back!  And long story short, they weren't interested.  :-(  I won't lie, I was pretty upset.  No more Boston Terrier.  No more Tempeh Reuben sandwiches.  No more short commute.  It was so easy to let disappointment cast a dark cloud on my week.  

Now, the ideal option in my "escape plan" is to find a meaningful career while I'm still employed in Corporate America.  I have a real passion to help girls develop as strong, confident women.  I am also a self-professed numbers geek.  In my mind, the ideal combination of the two would be to teach math at an all-girls school.  

There is only ONE all-girls school in town.  So, I check their website every few weeks to see if there are any job postings...  And it doesn't take a numbers geek to figure it out!  They had a posting for a middle-school math teacher yesterday.  All of those dark clouds seem pretty silly now, don't they!?!

There are two things that I learned here...

One.  Did you notice that I called the receptionist position "perfect" and the teaching position "ideal"?  When I think something is perfect, I have too much attachment to it and end up getting hurt when it doesn't turn out exactly as I planned.  We all know that nothing is ever perfect... so when "perfect" fails, it is so easy to beat myself up.

But when something is "ideal", it doesn't come laden with unrealistic expectations.  "Ideal" doesn't mean I will avoid disappointment.  Shoot, the disappointment might be deeper.  But, it won't be accompanied by my "inner critic" saying I TOLD YOU SO!

Second thing.  The more I hope that I can control the outcome of this journey, the more disappointed I become.  I know there is something great out there for me.  But, this example reminded me that when I'm "in control", it is easy to sell myself short.  I just need to trust and believe that everything is going to work out for my higher good!

Awake, Aware, Alive

I read the following blog yesterday.

How to Live in the Land of Yes

Over the last few months, the power of positive thought has been an important theme in my life.  I can be very cynical and pessimistic.  In my defense, I would tell people that I was just analytical, which actually made me great at my job.  But, I didn't have a full grasp on how the negativity impacted my life.

"I'm not happy at work"
"I could stand to lose a few pounds"
"It is too hard to change"
"I'm too sensitive"
"I will never find the type of guy I'm looking for"
"I'm a mess"

I thought my "inner critic" used the negative thoughts to spur me to action.  If I didn't highlight the problem, how would I ever solve it?  Right?!?  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that this logic was backfiring big time!  

Earlier this week, I felt miserable and trapped.  Things started to heat up at work... and my "inner critic" started to berate me for not executing my "escape plan" in an expeditious fashion.  (I think my "inner critic" uses that corporate lingo to get under my skin)

Instead of jumping to action, I just froze right there - feeling miserable and trapped.  Not only was work stressful, but I was piling blame and anger on top.  So NOT helpful!  :-)

OK, so what should I do differently?  In Gail's blog, she says:

What does it mean to live in the land of Yes? When you inhabit Yes, you are open, receptive, available. You approach each moment with wonder and curiosity, without expectation, with openness.  In the land of Yes, you don’t close down or shut yourself away. You don’t avoid or resist. You are here, present, awake, aware, alive.

I realize that I am happier when I go with the flow.  Yes, it hasn't been as easy as I expected to find a roommate or part-time job.  But, that doesn't have any reflection on me as a human being.  I'm still loving and wonderful and brilliant.  I'm still going to escape Corporate America.  I trust that everything is working out for my highest good.

Phew!  That takes such a huge weight off my shoulders and brings a very big smile to my face!

Insane sanity

Yesterday, I was challenged by my therapist... "You need to embrace your craziness."  Wait, what did she say??  Had I been transported to an alternate universe where I was stuck in an episode of Seinfeld.  Really, my therapist wants me to be crazy?!?


OK, so I'm being a little dramatic.  :-)  She was challenging me to let go of my "normal" way of approaching problems.  The hard part is that for most people, "normal" looks like the right way to do it.  But for me, "normal" just hasn't been working!  So maybe it's time to embrace a new way, one that might look "crazy" to the average American.


The conversation reminded me of something I wrote a few months ago, back when I was daydreaming about writing this blog.  I went back and found it...

Insane.  This word doesn’t conjure up warm and fuzzy images.  At first glance, I think of straight jackets, ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest’, and a very young Jack Nicholson smashing a fountain through a window to escape the asylum.

But these days, I’m rethinking my definition of sanity.  In the past, sanity = safe & secure.  Sanity = easy & comfortable.  Sanity = status quo.  Sanity = following the path of least resistance.  For me, that meant a high paying corporate job.  A large condo.  A luxury car.  Exotic vacations.  Designer shoes.

This is the point where you’re saying, damn girl, that is a pretty nice definition of sanity.  Sign me up for that!

However there are a few more words that accompany this particular definition of sanity.  Anxiety & stress.  Chasing dollars instead of dreams.  A never ending drive to be perfect.

Again, the majority of people out there are OK with these additional definitions.  You can’t get to the top without lots of hard work and sacrifice.  That’s just the way life goes.

But, this “sanity” is making me unhappy.  Deep down in the depths of my soul, I know that the chase of the American Dream isn’t working for me.  I am tired of helping "the man" chase the next dollar... I want to help people.  I am tired of office politics... my sensitive side doesn't want to work in an environment where emotions are viewed as weakness.  I am ready to get back in touch with my creative side... which has laid dormant for years and years.  I long for real connections with people... racking up more shoes and more money just leaves me feeling empty.

All of the sudden, everything that looked black now looks white.  My cushy life feels stiffling and really uncomfortable.  What the heck do you do when your world gets turned upside down like that?

Here is my solution...  I’m going to dive into the unknown.  Jump ship and swim the waters below, in search of something new.

Apparently, I already knew that crazy is the way to go!!

What I'm slowly realizing is that navigating crazy without a map is pretty daunting.  When should I quit?  How long will it take to find a roommate and part-time job to keep me afloat while I chase my dreams?  How will I ever figure out what I really want to do? 


But here is what I do know...  As I navigate the waters, I have to learn to avoid the sharks of doubt and fear.  I have to learn news ways to approach problems by throwing off my old definition of sanity.  I have to learn to bask in the warm glow of my new insane sanity.

Smelling the roses...

A good friend of mine has a hamster for a pet.  Her name is Penny.  She recently found out that a local pet store was going to sponsor a Hamster Ball Derby.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Hamster.  Ball.  Derby!  It makes me laugh out loud when I visualize lots of little hamster balls weaving across the floor and bouncing off bags of dog food.  :-)


So, I have a mind that likes to think and process and think and process... and then think and process some more!  Some people like to refer to that as the hamster wheel in their mind.  I sometimes feel like the hamster in my mind is running in her wheel on a treadmill set at maximum speed.  She is very stylish and wears cute matching wrist and headbands to keep the sweat away.  But she spends the majority of my waking hours thinking and processing, pounding away on the treadmill.  Forget the Hamster Ball Derby, she could be a Hamster Ultra-Marathoner!


Actually, that over-active mind is one of the culprits that got me into this predicament to start with.  I was always beating myself up about the past OR being anxious about the future.  I never really stopped and gave my mind a break.  I never really got to know myself.  I just hopped on the treadmill and ran.  And like Forrest Gump, I just kept running.  BUT, I ran myself right into a lifestyle that was making me miserable.


Over the last year, I came to recognize the power of mindfulness, being completely present in the moment.  It gives my hamster time to hop off the treadmill and smell the roses.  And it gives me time to get in touch with my inner wisdom, that often speaks too quietly to be heard over the noise of a treadmill.

But while I'm thinking through my "escape from Corporate America" plan, I have a hard time finding balance.  It is hard to know when to put my hamster on the treadmill and let her do her thing....  She is great at doing things like brainstorming options, calculating a budget, etc.  But I have to keep that side of me in check.  When she's huffing and puffing on the treadmill, I can't relax and really examine my path.


So each day, I move a step closer to the right balance.  My old way of doing things won't work for this mission!  I'm embracing new ways of relaxing... yoga, cooking a healthy meal, or just sitting in the sun and breathing deeply.  I'm learning patience and (slowly) accepting that my path will unfold on it's own time, not at my rushed pace.  


And best of all, I'm realizing how much more enjoyable life can be when you stop and smell the roses!  :-)